#ComputerProblems

My dear readers,

My laptop is in the process of dying, so there will be no post this week. The new laptop should be arriving in a few days, so I'll have one for you next week.

Stay tuned!

It's Father's Day

Dear readers,

Please do awesome things with your dads today.

See you next week! :)

How Can Someone Fording a 1.5 Foot Deep River DROWN?!?!?!

A Video Game Interlude: The Oregon Trail

I decided to take what I hope will be an interesting turn for this week's post. The Oregon Trail is a huge part of not just my childhood but for millions in my generation. You can't tell me that you didn't look forward to when your class went to the computer lab, because you knew that Oregon Trail was waiting for you. You'd grab either a CD or, lord have mercy, a floppy disk and then the fun started.

And what fun it was…and still is. Starting out on the trail, trying to ford a river and failing; little Jimmy got typhoid fever; I got an accidental gunshot wound hunting; ma got a concussion and died after I gave her laudanum; and little Nell got bitten by a snake and died instantly. That's the theme of Oregon Trail, kids---the trail is hard and YOU. WILL. DIE.

Ahem.

Okay, so the real fun is shooting a ton of animals until they become scarce and seeing if you'll actually make it to the Willamette Valley…or if it's later versions, Sacramento or Salt Lake City.

I should note that that I played a 1992 version online, because my copy of Oregon Trail 2 was too old to run on my laptop.

Plot in a Nutshell: I filled my party with queens from RuPaul's Drag Race. Just go with it. All you need to know is that I started in Independence, Missouri and only I ended up in the Willamette Valley. I think Kim Chi died of dysentery. Adore got typhoid. Katya got bitten by a snake too many times. I have no idea what happened to Bianca. She just keeled over. I also shot way too many buffalo and could only carry 200 pounds back to my wagon. Ho hum.

WTF: Seriously, did everyone on the actual Oregon Trail just spontaneously die all the time?

Fun Facts are Fun: There are spinoffs to this game, including The Yukon Trail (where the player goes up to Alaska during the Gold Rush I think) and The Amazon Trail. I owned the latter. It was such an odd game and extremely hard, so I never finished it.

The Verdict: Please this game will never get old and never ever die, even though you and party always will.

Back to normal next week! 

No thank you, sir, no. Fish make love in it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The Nazis are back! Erm, I mean, Indy is also back too. Last Crusade is a true sequel to Raiders, because it actually takes place after Raiders. The old gang is back with one new addition---Sean Connery as Henry Jones Senior. Rumor has it that Harrison Ford and Sean Connery did not get along at all while filming, and thankfully, that doesn't show in the final product. They are a very believable, yet slightly dorky, father and son.

And remember kids, Crystal Skull doesn't exist.

Plot in a Nutshell: Utah 1912…young Boy Scout Indy tries to keep a precious artifact from being stolen. We discover why he's afraid of snakes (and it's understandable) and how he got his hat. Turns out the artifact "belongs" to a rich white guy, surprise surprise. In the Atlantic 1938…Indy finally gets the damn artifact back, and the rich white guy gets blown up on his stupid boat. Bye bitch. Indy also discovers his dad Henry Jones Senior is missing! GASP. He heads to Venice with Marcus Brody to try to find him. Indy's dad was trying to locate the Holy Grail, which he's been studying his seemingly his entire life. There are more clues hidden in libraries and churches than in the game Clue. After getting almost murdered by Grail protectors, they head to a really creepy castle on the German/Austrian border to get Professor Henry Jones, who is held there. Oops turns out Elsa is a Nazi. Walter Donovan, the dude who lead Indy on this path in the first place, is also a Nazi. The Nazis have the Grail Diary but ZOMG there are pages missing. Indy sent Marcus with the pages to Egypt. Yeah…that's a plan, Indy. Marcus immediately gets captured by Nazis. Oof. Indy and his goofy dad escape. Hijinks ensue with Indy accidentally meets Hitler, throws a Nazi out of a zeppelin window, lands a plane badly, and eventually ends up in Egypt to meet up Sallah. SALLAH IS BACK, Y'ALL. Eventually they up where the Grail is located, but ugh those Nazis are there too. They shoot Indy's dad and force Indy to go through medieval booby traps to get to where A REALLY OLD KNIGHT guards the Grail. "Choose wisely," he warns both Indy and Donovan. Donovan…doesn't choose wisely. Indy saves his dad, but of course the whole place starts collapsing. The Grail falls and Elsa dies trying to get it. And then everyone rides off into the sunset! THE END. There isn't another movie, guys.

WTF: Elsa banged both father and son. Kinda…fucked up? A bit? More than a bit? How the fuck is that petroleum in the damn crypt in Venice?

Fun Facts are Fun: Harrison Ford wanted River Phoenix to play young Indy. Phoenix played his son in The Mosquito Coast. According to IMDB, two thousand rats were BRED for production. Eeeesh. King Hussein of Jordan personally loaned the production the four horses featured at the end of the movie.

The Verdict: Pretty damn good. Watching Nazis get punched in the face is one of my favorite pastimes.

I have something different planned for next week, so I hope you guys and gals enjoy it.