No thank you, sir, no. Fish make love in it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The Nazis are back! Erm, I mean, Indy is also back too. Last Crusade is a true sequel to Raiders, because it actually takes place after Raiders. The old gang is back with one new addition---Sean Connery as Henry Jones Senior. Rumor has it that Harrison Ford and Sean Connery did not get along at all while filming, and thankfully, that doesn't show in the final product. They are a very believable, yet slightly dorky, father and son.

And remember kids, Crystal Skull doesn't exist.

Plot in a Nutshell: Utah 1912…young Boy Scout Indy tries to keep a precious artifact from being stolen. We discover why he's afraid of snakes (and it's understandable) and how he got his hat. Turns out the artifact "belongs" to a rich white guy, surprise surprise. In the Atlantic 1938…Indy finally gets the damn artifact back, and the rich white guy gets blown up on his stupid boat. Bye bitch. Indy also discovers his dad Henry Jones Senior is missing! GASP. He heads to Venice with Marcus Brody to try to find him. Indy's dad was trying to locate the Holy Grail, which he's been studying his seemingly his entire life. There are more clues hidden in libraries and churches than in the game Clue. After getting almost murdered by Grail protectors, they head to a really creepy castle on the German/Austrian border to get Professor Henry Jones, who is held there. Oops turns out Elsa is a Nazi. Walter Donovan, the dude who lead Indy on this path in the first place, is also a Nazi. The Nazis have the Grail Diary but ZOMG there are pages missing. Indy sent Marcus with the pages to Egypt. Yeah…that's a plan, Indy. Marcus immediately gets captured by Nazis. Oof. Indy and his goofy dad escape. Hijinks ensue with Indy accidentally meets Hitler, throws a Nazi out of a zeppelin window, lands a plane badly, and eventually ends up in Egypt to meet up Sallah. SALLAH IS BACK, Y'ALL. Eventually they up where the Grail is located, but ugh those Nazis are there too. They shoot Indy's dad and force Indy to go through medieval booby traps to get to where A REALLY OLD KNIGHT guards the Grail. "Choose wisely," he warns both Indy and Donovan. Donovan…doesn't choose wisely. Indy saves his dad, but of course the whole place starts collapsing. The Grail falls and Elsa dies trying to get it. And then everyone rides off into the sunset! THE END. There isn't another movie, guys.

WTF: Elsa banged both father and son. Kinda…fucked up? A bit? More than a bit? How the fuck is that petroleum in the damn crypt in Venice?

Fun Facts are Fun: Harrison Ford wanted River Phoenix to play young Indy. Phoenix played his son in The Mosquito Coast. According to IMDB, two thousand rats were BRED for production. Eeeesh. King Hussein of Jordan personally loaned the production the four horses featured at the end of the movie.

The Verdict: Pretty damn good. Watching Nazis get punched in the face is one of my favorite pastimes.

I have something different planned for next week, so I hope you guys and gals enjoy it.