We're not dating Jones; this is not a date, if it was a date, I would've stood you up!

Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis

Alright, I know I said I was done with the Indiana Jones series. However, this game is actually a pretty important part of it. Along with Maniac Mansion, Day of the Tentacle, and Monkey Island, it's one of LucasArts masterpieces. When I saw it was available on Steam for practically nothing, you bet your butts I jumped on the chance and bought it.

I first played the game in the mid-90s on a computer…because my parents wouldn't let me have any game systems. *silently weeps* Now I have to confess something---that rodent thing in the jungle was something I didn't figure out for several years. I know…I'm an idiot. Other than that, it's not an easy game but definitely worthwhile.

Plot in a Nutshell: Indy is searching for something on the campus of Barnett College and gets assaulted by statues and bookcases. Damn dude. I'm not sure if Workman's Comp was a thing in the 30s, but Indy should apply after that. Anyways, he finds what he was looking for and goes back to his office where Marcus Brody and a "Mr. Smith" is waiting. Turns out Mr. Smith is a Nazi oops. The artifact may be something from Atlantis. As usual, Indy is like, "Atlantis schmantis" but goes to investigate anyways. One of his former students or lovers or coworkers Sophia Hapgood is doing a talk on Atlantis (she considers herself to be an expert and psychic who can connect with an ancient Atlantean being) and Indy decides to ruin it to get her attention. So at this point, Sophia and Indy are off investigating Atlantis and then you have choices about how you want to complete the game---the Team path (you and Sophia do shit together), Brains (using Indy's smarts to get shit done), and Fists (using Indy's fists to get shit done). Depending on the path and the choices you make, Sophia could die, Indy could die (thus ending the game), or you both live and save the world from the Nazis and make out on the top of a submarine. Fuck yeah.

WTF: I guess stuff really was lax at that point, because Sophia stealing artifacts from digs should've been more serious? Those whacky Nazis thinking they could harness the power of Atlantis. This should have been the plot for what turned out to be Crystal Skull. Sigh. The "things" the two Nazis turn into after messing around the Atlantean god machine are horrifying, as is what happens when you "meet" Sophia's Atlantean friend.

Fun Facts are Fun: The game was released in 1992. Fate of Atlantis was supposed to have a sequel, but it never worked out. *sad trombone* In 1999, PC Gamer voted it the 42^nd Best Video Game of All Time. There are several LucasArts Easter eggs hidden in the game, including on Crete.

The Verdict: Hard as fuck but worth it. Get it now.

As always, if you have any requests, send them my way!

Men at Robert's age are often unstable... prone to weakness.

The Incredibles

And I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack, dear readers! I have my new laptop, and I'm ready to go!

So I decided that for this week I'd do a Pixar classic. Who doesn't love The Incredibles? The correct answer should be…no one. Granted, I know this movie came out when I was nearing the end of high school, but that's the magic of Pixar—people of all ages love them. I'm at a loss for words really. I just really love The Incredibles.

Also, when my parents and I play pub trivia our team name is always The Incredibles. Just sayin'.

Plot in a Nutshell: Superheroes exist and actually save people! Unless of course they don't want to be saved and you get sued. Insert sad trombone. Fifteen years after some really dumb people went, "Yeah fuck superheroes and let's make sure they never help us again," Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl live "normal" lives with their family—emo teenager Violet, aching to do sports Dash, and baby Jack-Jack. When Mr. Incredible gets fired from the insurance company and puts his boss in traction (and let's be honest, we've all wanted to do that), a mysterious woman named Mirage contacts him about a job…involving his superpowers. Dude jumps at the chance, and things get better. Until he finds out his employer is a former superfan that he spurned as a child and now is building superweapons to kill all superheroes. OOPS. Elastigirl, Violet, and Dash go in search of Mr. Incredible, get shot out of the sky, and eventually all reunited and form THE INCREDIBLES. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. They eventually defeat Syndrome, and because of that whole thing, superheroes come out of hiding and are allowed to be themselves again. Fuck yeah.

WTF: Where were Syndome's parents throughout this whole thing? They really should have gotten him therapy…or had him committed. Who is Mirage and how did she end up working for Syndrome? Did she know that other supers were being murdered? How the fuck is that magma in the volcano moving to allow passage through it? With the sequel being worked on right now, will the focus be on Jack-Jack (if the same amount of time has passed in-universe as in real life) and a now middle-aged Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl? Will Edna still be around making flawless supersuits? Will Violet and Dash be grown-up?

Fun Facts are Fun: According to IMDB, Jason Lee, who voiced Syndrome, recorded his vocals over the course of four days. Craig T. Nelson (Mr. Incredible) on the other hand, recorded his over two years. Lily Tomlin was originally cast as Edna Mode but turned it down once she heard Brad Bird's voicing of Edna. Elizabeth Peña, who voiced Mirage, sadly passed away in 2014.

The Verdict: Fucking perfect. Let's hope the sequel doesn't suck.

If you guys have any requests, please let me know!