We're not dating Jones; this is not a date, if it was a date, I would've stood you up!

Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis

Alright, I know I said I was done with the Indiana Jones series. However, this game is actually a pretty important part of it. Along with Maniac Mansion, Day of the Tentacle, and Monkey Island, it's one of LucasArts masterpieces. When I saw it was available on Steam for practically nothing, you bet your butts I jumped on the chance and bought it.

I first played the game in the mid-90s on a computer…because my parents wouldn't let me have any game systems. *silently weeps* Now I have to confess something---that rodent thing in the jungle was something I didn't figure out for several years. I know…I'm an idiot. Other than that, it's not an easy game but definitely worthwhile.

Plot in a Nutshell: Indy is searching for something on the campus of Barnett College and gets assaulted by statues and bookcases. Damn dude. I'm not sure if Workman's Comp was a thing in the 30s, but Indy should apply after that. Anyways, he finds what he was looking for and goes back to his office where Marcus Brody and a "Mr. Smith" is waiting. Turns out Mr. Smith is a Nazi oops. The artifact may be something from Atlantis. As usual, Indy is like, "Atlantis schmantis" but goes to investigate anyways. One of his former students or lovers or coworkers Sophia Hapgood is doing a talk on Atlantis (she considers herself to be an expert and psychic who can connect with an ancient Atlantean being) and Indy decides to ruin it to get her attention. So at this point, Sophia and Indy are off investigating Atlantis and then you have choices about how you want to complete the game---the Team path (you and Sophia do shit together), Brains (using Indy's smarts to get shit done), and Fists (using Indy's fists to get shit done). Depending on the path and the choices you make, Sophia could die, Indy could die (thus ending the game), or you both live and save the world from the Nazis and make out on the top of a submarine. Fuck yeah.

WTF: I guess stuff really was lax at that point, because Sophia stealing artifacts from digs should've been more serious? Those whacky Nazis thinking they could harness the power of Atlantis. This should have been the plot for what turned out to be Crystal Skull. Sigh. The "things" the two Nazis turn into after messing around the Atlantean god machine are horrifying, as is what happens when you "meet" Sophia's Atlantean friend.

Fun Facts are Fun: The game was released in 1992. Fate of Atlantis was supposed to have a sequel, but it never worked out. *sad trombone* In 1999, PC Gamer voted it the 42^nd Best Video Game of All Time. There are several LucasArts Easter eggs hidden in the game, including on Crete.

The Verdict: Hard as fuck but worth it. Get it now.

As always, if you have any requests, send them my way!

Men at Robert's age are often unstable... prone to weakness.

The Incredibles

And I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack, dear readers! I have my new laptop, and I'm ready to go!

So I decided that for this week I'd do a Pixar classic. Who doesn't love The Incredibles? The correct answer should be…no one. Granted, I know this movie came out when I was nearing the end of high school, but that's the magic of Pixar—people of all ages love them. I'm at a loss for words really. I just really love The Incredibles.

Also, when my parents and I play pub trivia our team name is always The Incredibles. Just sayin'.

Plot in a Nutshell: Superheroes exist and actually save people! Unless of course they don't want to be saved and you get sued. Insert sad trombone. Fifteen years after some really dumb people went, "Yeah fuck superheroes and let's make sure they never help us again," Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl live "normal" lives with their family—emo teenager Violet, aching to do sports Dash, and baby Jack-Jack. When Mr. Incredible gets fired from the insurance company and puts his boss in traction (and let's be honest, we've all wanted to do that), a mysterious woman named Mirage contacts him about a job…involving his superpowers. Dude jumps at the chance, and things get better. Until he finds out his employer is a former superfan that he spurned as a child and now is building superweapons to kill all superheroes. OOPS. Elastigirl, Violet, and Dash go in search of Mr. Incredible, get shot out of the sky, and eventually all reunited and form THE INCREDIBLES. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. They eventually defeat Syndrome, and because of that whole thing, superheroes come out of hiding and are allowed to be themselves again. Fuck yeah.

WTF: Where were Syndome's parents throughout this whole thing? They really should have gotten him therapy…or had him committed. Who is Mirage and how did she end up working for Syndrome? Did she know that other supers were being murdered? How the fuck is that magma in the volcano moving to allow passage through it? With the sequel being worked on right now, will the focus be on Jack-Jack (if the same amount of time has passed in-universe as in real life) and a now middle-aged Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl? Will Edna still be around making flawless supersuits? Will Violet and Dash be grown-up?

Fun Facts are Fun: According to IMDB, Jason Lee, who voiced Syndrome, recorded his vocals over the course of four days. Craig T. Nelson (Mr. Incredible) on the other hand, recorded his over two years. Lily Tomlin was originally cast as Edna Mode but turned it down once she heard Brad Bird's voicing of Edna. Elizabeth Peña, who voiced Mirage, sadly passed away in 2014.

The Verdict: Fucking perfect. Let's hope the sequel doesn't suck.

If you guys have any requests, please let me know!

#ComputerProblems

My dear readers,

My laptop is in the process of dying, so there will be no post this week. The new laptop should be arriving in a few days, so I'll have one for you next week.

Stay tuned!

It's Father's Day

Dear readers,

Please do awesome things with your dads today.

See you next week! :)

How Can Someone Fording a 1.5 Foot Deep River DROWN?!?!?!

A Video Game Interlude: The Oregon Trail

I decided to take what I hope will be an interesting turn for this week's post. The Oregon Trail is a huge part of not just my childhood but for millions in my generation. You can't tell me that you didn't look forward to when your class went to the computer lab, because you knew that Oregon Trail was waiting for you. You'd grab either a CD or, lord have mercy, a floppy disk and then the fun started.

And what fun it was…and still is. Starting out on the trail, trying to ford a river and failing; little Jimmy got typhoid fever; I got an accidental gunshot wound hunting; ma got a concussion and died after I gave her laudanum; and little Nell got bitten by a snake and died instantly. That's the theme of Oregon Trail, kids---the trail is hard and YOU. WILL. DIE.

Ahem.

Okay, so the real fun is shooting a ton of animals until they become scarce and seeing if you'll actually make it to the Willamette Valley…or if it's later versions, Sacramento or Salt Lake City.

I should note that that I played a 1992 version online, because my copy of Oregon Trail 2 was too old to run on my laptop.

Plot in a Nutshell: I filled my party with queens from RuPaul's Drag Race. Just go with it. All you need to know is that I started in Independence, Missouri and only I ended up in the Willamette Valley. I think Kim Chi died of dysentery. Adore got typhoid. Katya got bitten by a snake too many times. I have no idea what happened to Bianca. She just keeled over. I also shot way too many buffalo and could only carry 200 pounds back to my wagon. Ho hum.

WTF: Seriously, did everyone on the actual Oregon Trail just spontaneously die all the time?

Fun Facts are Fun: There are spinoffs to this game, including The Yukon Trail (where the player goes up to Alaska during the Gold Rush I think) and The Amazon Trail. I owned the latter. It was such an odd game and extremely hard, so I never finished it.

The Verdict: Please this game will never get old and never ever die, even though you and party always will.

Back to normal next week! 

No thank you, sir, no. Fish make love in it.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The Nazis are back! Erm, I mean, Indy is also back too. Last Crusade is a true sequel to Raiders, because it actually takes place after Raiders. The old gang is back with one new addition---Sean Connery as Henry Jones Senior. Rumor has it that Harrison Ford and Sean Connery did not get along at all while filming, and thankfully, that doesn't show in the final product. They are a very believable, yet slightly dorky, father and son.

And remember kids, Crystal Skull doesn't exist.

Plot in a Nutshell: Utah 1912…young Boy Scout Indy tries to keep a precious artifact from being stolen. We discover why he's afraid of snakes (and it's understandable) and how he got his hat. Turns out the artifact "belongs" to a rich white guy, surprise surprise. In the Atlantic 1938…Indy finally gets the damn artifact back, and the rich white guy gets blown up on his stupid boat. Bye bitch. Indy also discovers his dad Henry Jones Senior is missing! GASP. He heads to Venice with Marcus Brody to try to find him. Indy's dad was trying to locate the Holy Grail, which he's been studying his seemingly his entire life. There are more clues hidden in libraries and churches than in the game Clue. After getting almost murdered by Grail protectors, they head to a really creepy castle on the German/Austrian border to get Professor Henry Jones, who is held there. Oops turns out Elsa is a Nazi. Walter Donovan, the dude who lead Indy on this path in the first place, is also a Nazi. The Nazis have the Grail Diary but ZOMG there are pages missing. Indy sent Marcus with the pages to Egypt. Yeah…that's a plan, Indy. Marcus immediately gets captured by Nazis. Oof. Indy and his goofy dad escape. Hijinks ensue with Indy accidentally meets Hitler, throws a Nazi out of a zeppelin window, lands a plane badly, and eventually ends up in Egypt to meet up Sallah. SALLAH IS BACK, Y'ALL. Eventually they up where the Grail is located, but ugh those Nazis are there too. They shoot Indy's dad and force Indy to go through medieval booby traps to get to where A REALLY OLD KNIGHT guards the Grail. "Choose wisely," he warns both Indy and Donovan. Donovan…doesn't choose wisely. Indy saves his dad, but of course the whole place starts collapsing. The Grail falls and Elsa dies trying to get it. And then everyone rides off into the sunset! THE END. There isn't another movie, guys.

WTF: Elsa banged both father and son. Kinda…fucked up? A bit? More than a bit? How the fuck is that petroleum in the damn crypt in Venice?

Fun Facts are Fun: Harrison Ford wanted River Phoenix to play young Indy. Phoenix played his son in The Mosquito Coast. According to IMDB, two thousand rats were BRED for production. Eeeesh. King Hussein of Jordan personally loaned the production the four horses featured at the end of the movie.

The Verdict: Pretty damn good. Watching Nazis get punched in the face is one of my favorite pastimes.

I have something different planned for next week, so I hope you guys and gals enjoy it.

Memorial Day Weekend

Hello dear readers,

Since it's Memorial Day weekend in the States, I'm forgoing Last Crusade for this week...don't worry though! I'll do it for next weekend.

And I have something interesting coming up in a few weeks, so stay tuned!