Why don't we talk about how illegal it is to drive without eyeballs?

Halloweentown

Debbie Reynolds is a delight. She really is. It's no wonder that with a mom like that, Carrie Fisher is amazing. Erm, now that I've gotten that out of the way, Halloweentown is a Disney Channel Original Movie that premiered in 1998. I remember liking this movie, and it being on Disney Channel with Hocus Pocus seemingly on a loop through October.

Good lord, this is corny. The effects aren't great (even for the late 90s), but the makeup is actually pretty good. So many great-looking monsters. However, the script is just…yeah, definitely for kids and not in a good way. I honestly have no idea how this got three sequels.

Plot in a Nutshell: Annoying teenager Marnie Piper watches as other kids trick-or-treat and complains that her evil ginger mother doesn't let her do anything. Never fear though, Marnie, because grandma Aggie is here! Aggie and Gwen, Marnie's widowed mother, don't have the best relationship. Marnie, little nerd brother Dylan, and precocious Sophie board the bus to Halloweentown to follow their grandma. The monsters and witches in Halloweentown are disappearing, and Aggie is trying to find out why. Mayor Kalabar attempts to dissuade Aggie from investigating further. Turns out Kalabar used to date Gwen, and as we find out later, he's still pressed that she left him for a human. Ugh men. After going on a shopping trip to activate the talisman, they find out Kalabar is the evil guy terrorizing the town. Surprise surprise. He wants to conquer the mortal realm, because he was a small wiener and still can't believe Gwen left him for a human. The talisman is activated in the giant pumpkin, the Cromwell/Piper magical people use their powers together, and defeat Kalabar.

WTF: Seriously Gwen, there's dangerous life-threatening stuff in the "normal" world too and frankly, Halloweentown seems safer. Just sayin.

Fun Facts are Fun: Debbie Reynolds is Carrie Fisher's mom. Halloweentown was Kimberly J. Brown's first Disney Channel Original Movie. Judith Hoag (Gwen) was the original April O'Neil in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Emily Roeske (Sophie) retired from acting after Halloweentown High.

The Verdict: At least Debbie Reynolds is great?

Next week, I'll be delving into The Pagemaster, where literature comes to life. In a library. Where that always happens.

I'm sorry, Emily. I had to wait three hundred years for a virgin to light a candle.

Hocus Pocus

I've been looking forward to reviewing this movie for a while now. Like that awful Power Rangers movie, I have a lot of fond memories of Hocus Pocus. I still kind of want to find two people willing to be the Sanderson sisters with me for Halloween.

Unlike Power Rangers, Hocus Pocus is still just as fun and amazing as it was when it came out in 1993. Thora Birch is so good. Sarah Jessica Parker is at her best. I let out a sigh when I saw Garry Marshall (rest in peace, good sir). It's so quotable. It's so classic. Ugh, can I marry this movie?

I mean, hell, I sort of wished I had a big brother like Thackery Binx. Keywords are "sort of." Being an only child does have its perks.

Plot in a Nutshell: In 1693 Salem, teenage Puritan hottie Thackery Binx fails to save his younger sister Emily from having her life force sucked out of her by the deliciously evil Sanderson sister. Before they're caught by the town, they curse Thackery Binx into becoming an immortal black cat. Flash forward 300 years later, where annoyed, less hot teenager Max Dennison has to take his sister Dani trick-or-treating in their new hometown---Salem. In order to impress his new crush Allison, Max, Dani, and Allison go to the Sanderson sisters' house/museum. Like an idiot, he lights the Black Flame Candle, giving the sisters life again. However, all is not lost! Immortal black cat Thackery Binx is on the case. Hijinks ensue. In the final showdown, Max sacrifices himself for Dani, getting some of his life force sucked out of him. But the sun rises in time, destroying the sisters once and for all! Thackery Binx is finally free to join his family in the afterlife.

WTF: I realize that in 1693 people weren't too smart, but seriously, the townspeople of Salem couldn't figure out that random children were missing and hmmmmm it might be these weird crazy sisters doing it? Dani and Max's parents are legitimately so dumb. Now that Billy Butcherson was resurrected by Winifred, is going to just sleep in grave and wake up every so often? Poor dude. Why did the adults let those two dummies terrorize trick-or-treaters?

Fun Facts are Fun: Sean Murray, who played Thackery Binx, is on NCIS. Oddly enough, Sean Murray wasn't the voice of Binx the cat. Jason Marsden was. "I Put a Spell on You" was arranged and produced by Marc Shaiman, the Grammy, Emmy, and Tony Award-winning composer and lyricist.

The Verdict: HELL YES.

Next week, it's time to go to Halloweentown.

Forgive me, Mr. Claus. I'm afraid I've made a terrible mess of your holiday.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Once upon a time, I was in high school (for the record, I had my ten year reunion last year). Everything was pretty normal…then something changed. I saw a Jack Skellington messenger bag, presumably from Hot Topic. Suddenly, Nightmare Before Christmas became super cool. All the emo kids loved Sally and Jack. Personally, I didn't get it. I guess I wasn't cool enough.

I do remember seeing this movie a lot on HBO as a kid. Watching now, a decade removed from high school when it became popular again, it's a good movie. It's creative, funny, and touching, unlike anything Tim Burton has done lately. Yeah I said it. Tim Burton has become a parody of himself.

I also didn't realize how amazing the music is…kudos to you, Danny Elfman.

Plot in a Nutshell: Pumpkin King Jack Skellington is having a mid-death crisis. After the latest Halloween extravaganza, he gets super depressed. He and his ghost dog Zero wander far and eventually end up in Christmas Town, where Jack has an epiphany—the creatures of Halloween Town should celebrate Christmas! Meanwhile, Sally, who was created by a mad scientist, longs to be her own being. Sally is the only one convinced that Halloween Town shouldn't be celebrating Christmas. Oogie Boogie's treat-or-treater minions capture "Sandy Claws". After a disastrous Christmas, in which Jack attempts to take Santa's place and is shot down by the military, Jack and his allies rescue Santa from Oogie and all is right in the world once again.

WTF: I realize that the point of him is supposed to be a creepy mad scientist, but Doctor Finklestein really creeps me out more than anyone else. That poor Easter Bunny. Is the point not to rebel against your true nature (Halloween Town creatures must only celebrate Halloween and Christmas Town creatures only celebrating Christmas, et cetera)? Oogie loves black light. How very early 90s. Those poor kids getting victimized by their "Halloween" Christmas presents.

Fun Facts are Fun: Sir Patrick Stewart is the narrator for the prologue and epilogue. What?!?!? Gotta love Sir PatStew. Danny Elfman is Jack's signing voice. Whose Line alum Greg Proops voices various characters.

The Verdict: Definitely worth a rewatch.

Next week I'll be watching possibly my favorite Halloween movie—Hocus Pocus. Amuck amuck amuck amuck!!!!

I Got a Rock

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

When I first conceived this blog, I first wanted to only to do 90s movies and then branch out to other decades. However, the more I thought about it, it makes more sense to do Halloween movies in October. So, instead of Now and Then, I'm doing the ultimate classic Halloween cartoon---It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

And what a classic it is. There's just something about it so relatable and makes it hold up for fifty years. Yes, ladies and gents, this is the fiftieth anniversary of It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Written by Charles Schultz and directed by Bill Melendez, it's full of humor and heart, especially when the usually mean-spirited Lucy goes to collect her little brother Linus from the pumpkin patch and puts him to bed.

Oh and Vince Guaraldi's music is fucking flawless, and anyone who tells you it isn't is a big fat liar with no soul.

Plot in a Nutshell: It's Halloween, y'all! Linus is going to wait for the Great Pumpkin, whom he insists doesn't get nearly as much publicity as Santa. Naïve and love-struck Sally decides to forego trick or treating to wait with Linus. Charlie Brown finally gets invited a Halloween party, but he ends up getting a pumpkin face drawn on the back of his head. Snoopy is a World War One flying ace. Ultimately, the Great Pumpkin doesn't up, Sally lets Linus have it, and life goes on.

WTF: Why does Linus take a bite into the apple he picked up from off of the ground and then throw it away after one bite? That's so wasteful, dude. Why did Linus and Lucy take that pumpkin without paying for it? Why the fuck are those mean adults giving Charlie Brown rocks instead of candy? Who waits in a pumpkin patch on Halloween?

Fun Facts are Fun: Schroeder actually does play World War One-era songs on his piano while Snoopy reacts. They are "It's a Long Way to Tipperary", "Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag", "There's a Long, Long Trail", and "Roses of Picardy."

The Verdict: Sit your ass down right now and watch it. DO IT NOW.

For our next Halloween movie, it's Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas or How I Stopped Worrying and Wondered Why It Became Popular in High School.

If I kill my nephew, would it be murder or charity?

Rock-a-Doodle

Why did I choose this Don Bluth movie to be the first one discussed on the blog? Surely I could have done Anastasia, one of my favorites, instead? Well, I think I wanted to start with one that doesn't quite work. The story, unlike Anastasia and The Secret of NIMH, is quite confusing. The live-action portions with Edmund and his family are useless, and the final live-action/animated sequence looks generally awful. Bedknobs and Broomsticks's mixed sequences look a thousand times better…and that was made in 1971. The songs are pretty mediocre, and they don't even come close to the brilliance of Beauty and the Beast, which was released the same year.

In fact, when comparing this to Beauty and the Beast at all, you really shouldn't. One is a masterpiece and the other…not so much.

Plot in a Nutshell: Okay I think I got it. The rooster Chanticleer is left despondent once he realizes his crow doesn't actually make the sun rise every morning, and the other animals make him leave. Big mistake. Now it won't stop raining and the owls, led by the scenery-munching Christopher Plummer (yes, Captain von Trapp is the villain) as the Grand Duke conspire to eat all the animals. Meanwhile, in real life, Edmund's family farm is dealing with Biblical amounts of flooding on their farm. The Grand Duke barfs magic onto Edmund, turning him into a cat. There's a subplot with a sexy bird and an evil manager but whatever. In the end, Chanticleer crows, the sun comes back, Edmund is turned back into a real boy, and the Grand Duke and his singing owls are defeated forever.

WTF: Why didn't Edmund's family evacuate the animals sooner? Didn't they know the flooding was coming? Don't they watch The Weather Channel?

Fun Facts are Fun: Phil Harris, who voiced the basset hound Patou, also was the voice of Baloo in The Jungle Book and Little John in Robin Hood. This was also Phil Harris's last role. Tony Award-winner Christian Hoff portrayed one of Edmund's older brothers. Connecticut's own Charles Nelson Reilly was the voice of Hunch, the Grand Duke's stupid nephew.

The Verdict: Meh. At least Christopher Plummer seemed to be enjoying himself as the Grand Duke.

Next week it's time for everyone's favorite young girls' coming of age movie---Now and Then.