Someone turn me back into a clock please!

Beauty and the Beast

At the asscrack of dawn…okay, not really, but I did go to the movies at 9AM yesterday morning to see NEW Beauty and the Beast. My friend's nearly five-year-old niece was SUPER EXCITED. We were SUPER EXCITED.

And we weren't disappointed. It's different in subtle ways than the original, including the filling in of several plot holes that I mentioned last week. Emma Watson doesn't have the strongest singing voice ever, but she's still incredibly charming as Belle. I love Ewan McGregor, and I don't give a fuck. The whole cast was fantastic, even Dan Stevens, about whom I had massive reservations. He killed it, man. Who knew he could sing that well?

Plot in a Nutshell: People, this is literally the same movie, except with some extra songs and homoerotism.

WTF: So remember my points from last week about the Beast's parents, his age when he was enchanted, and all that? That's all addressed in the movie. For real. Still though, Gaston is a dick. A hot dick but a dick.

Fun Facts are Fun: Ewan McGregor's wife is French, and yet I still detect a wee bit of Mexican in that "French" accent. Ryan Gosling was offered the role of the Beast but chose to do La La Land instead. Emma Watson turned down La La Land to do this movie. Sir Ian McKellen was cast as Cogsworth in the original but declined the role. Extremely hot Welshman Luke Evans wore false teeth as Gaston. Doesn't matter though…he's still really hot.

The Verdict: I can't wait to see it again!!!!

No blog post next week people, but I'll be back the week after!

Were you in love with her, Beast? Did you honestly think she'd want you? When she had someone like me?

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

Can you believe Beauty and the Beast was the first animated film to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture? Well, it was…and for good reason. Everything—the animation, the songs, the voice acting—comes together to make a beautiful film for the whole family.

I have very fond memories of this movie, and while I like the casting for the new live-action Beauty and the Beast (except for Matthew Crawley wtf), I wonder how much of my love for this will cloud my opinion of it. We shall see.

Plot in a Nutshell: An asshole young prince turns away an old woman who is an enchantress. She decides to teach him a lesson and turns him into a beast, while his servants are transformed into household objects. HARSH. Years later, somewhere in the middle of nowhere in France, bookworm Belle lives with her inventor father Maurice and is being chased by vain and stupid Gaston. After Maurice goes missing while taking his latest invention to a fair, Belle goes in search of her father. To save him from his captivity at the Beast's castle, she offers herself in her place. Throughout her time at the castle, she and the Beast fall in love, with the Beast and his servants hoping that Belle will break the curse. Gaston has his own plans, however. He plans to throw Maurice into the asylum to force Belle to marry him. Once Gaston realizes that Belle loves the Beast, he organizes a mob to kill the Beast and destroy his castle. After a fight and possible death, the spell is broken and everyone becomes human again. Everyone lives happily ever after. WOOOOO.

WTF: Why did the enchantress punish the servants? They literally did nothing wrong. They just happened to be there. Did the villagers simply forget about the prince living in that giant castle? What happened to the Beast's parents? I'm really confused by the timeline—so the Beast is supposed to fall in love and be loved in return before his 21^st birthday and Lumiere mentions "ten years we've been rusting" so wait the Beast was turned into a Beast at eleven years old? Damn that enchantress was HARSH AF.

Fun Facts are Fun: Disney veteran David Ogden Stiers is both the voice of Cogsworth and the narrator. Howard Ashman, lyricist and executive producer, died of AIDS eight months before the film was released. According to IMDB, Rupert Everett auditioned to be the Beast but was told he didn't sound arrogant enough. It was Angela Lansbury's idea to have Mrs. Potts sing "Beauty and the Beast." Jackie Chan strikes again—he performed the voice of the Beast for the Chinese release.

The Verdict: There's a reason why Beauty and the Beast was selected for preservation. WATCH IT.

Next week, I'll be seeing the new Beauty and the Beast with my buddy and her nearly five-year-old niece. This. Should. Be. FUN.

That's it? Well, I suppose I could always feed my mother cat food.

Good Burger

Ah Good Burger. Everyone's favorite All That sketch made into a major motion picture. It's enjoyable after…wait, this movie is 20 years old?!?!?!? NO WAY. NO. I feel old. *epic sad face*

I totally forgot that Carmen Electra is in this. And Linda Cardellini. And Issac Hayes?! AND SHAQ?! Sinbad! There's even a very 90s dance number. And as always, Kenan and Kel kill it. Why isn't Kel on SNL with Kenan?

Plot in a Nutshell: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. After Dexter Reed crashes his mom's car into his least favorite teacher's car, he must get a summer job to pay him back. He didn't get hired at Mondo Burger, but Ed got him a job at Good Burger. Hilarity ensues…as well as subplots involving corporate conglomerates destroying small business and Ed's secret sauce. In the end, Good Burger is saved, Dexter is able to pay back his teacher, and Ed is Ed.

WTF: Not sure how Kurt got Ed and Dexter admitted to Demented Hills. What IS in Ed's secret sauce?

Fun Facts are Fun: J. August Richards, who plays Griffen, is more famously known for playing Gunn on Angel. Several All That regulars are in Good Burger including Lori Beth Denberg and Josh Server. Good Burger still hasn't been released on Blu-ray.

The Verdict: Still good after all these years.

Next week, dear readers, I'll be watching Beauty and the Beast in preparation for the release of the new Beauty and the Beast. You know, the one with Hermione Granger, Matthew Crawley, Magneto, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Bard the Bowman.