I had a squirrel named Numb Nuts.

Man of the House

Unpopular opinion alert---I didn't have a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the 90s. I know I know it's sacrilege. However, I did like this movie as a kid and always watched it if I found it on TV.

Watching it again though, oh good lawd have mercy it's so bad. Jonathan Taylor Thomas's Ben is the worst. Literally the worst. How many chances at happiness has he sabotaged for his poor mother? Why didn't his mom put him into therapy after his dad left? It's clearly affected him for years and emotionally scarred him. The mobsters are stereotypical Italian thugs in…wait a second, in Seattle? Seattle had a lot of illegal activity during Prohibition (thanks PBS), but is the Italian mob huge there?

The biggest thing that bothers me about this movie is the cultural appropriation. According to the Oxford Reference, it defines cultural appropriation as being "used to describe the taking over of creative or artistic forms, themes, or practices by one cultural group from another. It is in general used to describe Western appropriations of non‐Western or non‐white forms, and carries connotations of exploitation and dominance." I understand that there was a Native American who helped them do a rain dance, but the whole thing is just uncomfortable. Was there a copyright issue that they couldn't use the Boy Scouts? Native American cultures aren't "lame" and aren't to be used by emotionally stunted white mommy's boys to get rid of mommy's boyfriends. Ugh.

Plot in a Nutshell: Ben and his mom live in the coolest loft ever and have a perfect life. That is until his mom wants to actually move on with her life and find love. Selfish Ben can't have that and tries to get rid of his mom's latest boyfriend Jack by joining the most uncool group ever---Indian Guides. While all this is going on, the mob is trying to kill Jack. Hijinks ensue at an annual camping trip, they Home Alone their campsite, the mobsters get arrested, and everyone lives happily ever after.

WTF: Why are Farrah Fawcett and Chevy Chase in this movie? They couldn't have needed the money, could they?

Fun Facts are Fun: This steaming pile of crap grossed over $40 million dollars domestically.

The Verdict: *bashes head against the wall*

Join me next for the blog's first Don Bluth feature---Rock-a-Doodle.

George C. Scott Sings Creepy Songs

The Rescuers Down Under

  

The Rescuers Down Under is the sequel to the 1977 Disney classic The Rescuers. I remember enjoying this movie quite a bit as a kid, often pretending that Cody and I would go off on adventures in the Outback (no, not to the steakhouse but the actual for real Outback). At around 77 minutes, it's a breezy little sequel with heart and laughs.

Unlike the previous two movies, which continue to make to me question my taste as a child, this one actually holds up for the most part. John Candy (RIP) was delightful as Wilbur, as were the dual performances of Bob Newhart and Eva Gabor. The only thing was a little cheesy was George C. Scott (yes, that George C. Scott aka General Patton) as McLeach. Just a little OTT, dude. Just a tiny bit. His creepy takes on old-timey songs were a little too disturbing for a children's movie.

On a purely materialistic note, I really want a hammock. I just don't want to sleep in it like Cody does.

Plot in a Nutshell: Cody, a boy with an indescribable accent living in the Australian Outback with his widowed mother, is summoned by a kangaroo playing a fallen tree as a digeridoo to help a trapped golden eagle named Marahute. After the two bond over her eggs, Cody is captured by a super evil poacher and his pet goanna Joanna. Bernard and Bianca travel to Australia to save him, with Wilbur in the albatross in tow. Super horny kangaroo mouse Jake acts as Bernard and Bianca's guide. Bernard ends up killing McLeach, and everyone lives happily ever after.

WTF: What the hell is Cody's accent? It starts out as really Australian and then goes to a semi-American accent. Surely the Rangers would've been keeping an eye on McLeach, a known poacher who loves to boast about how awesome a poacher he is, and therefore would have located Cody more quickly? Why the fuck is Cody wandering around the goddamn Outback by himself? Australia has more shit that will kill you, bro. Just stay close to home next time.

Fun Facts are Fun: Adam Ryen, who voiced Cody, is Norwegian. Ah, that explains the accent.

The Verdict: Finally a good one.

Next week, I'll be reviewing Man of the House, starring 90s heartthrob Jonathan Taylor-Thomas and Chevy Chase. Get ready for lots of uncomfortable cultural appropriation, folks. Yeesh.

Let's see, Goobers or Raisinets...Goobers or Raisinets

Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation

I don't have the emotional connection to this movie like I did with Power Rangers. However, I do remember being very fond of this movie and nearly wearing out the VHS tape (goodness I'm old). I wore out only two VHS tapes—Cinderella and Apollo 13. I'm not sure what that says about me. Geeky princess? Lonely girl who speaks to animals? Eh, I think it's more of the first one.

Like Power Rangers though, this one wasn't nearly as good as I remember. How I Spent My Vacation came out in 1992 and really doesn't age well. Maybe it's all the weird references to David Letterman, Arsenio Hall, Cher, and Roseanne. Maybe it's because the animation isn't the best either. Or maybe…it's just not good. IMDB says it's 79 minutes long, and it felt like at least 2 hours.

That's not to say that I outright hate it or that my heart was shattered (I'm looking at you, Power Rangers). The whole sequence with Fowlmouth and Shirley at the movies is still humorous.

Yeah, that's it.

Plot in a Nutshell: School is out for the summer. Buster and Babs start an insane water gun fight and end up in Deliverance with possums, gators, and toads. Plucky and Hampton go on the road trip from hell to Happy World Land aka Fake Disney Land with Hampton's family. Shirley is repeatedly harassed by Fowlmouth. Elmyra continues her quest for a kitty, being horrifically abusive to all animals along the way. Fifi stalks her favorite skunk movie star.

WTF: The inclusion of Woody Allen in the celebrities at the movies montage is creepy as hell. Do Plucky's parents know that he went on a seemingly months-long trip with Hampton's family? Who the hell picks up a serial killer hitchhiker?

Fun Facts are Fun: Cree Summer, who voices Elmyra, is also the voice of Susie Carmichael from Rugrats and Penny from Inspector Gadget.

The Verdict: I really hope this trend of not being as good as I remember continues. Oof.

Join me next week for The Rescuers Down Under. It has to hold up better than the last two movies, right? Right? RIGHT?

Morphological Beings and Dinosaur Fossils

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie

  

I was so excited for this one. You have no idea. I hadn't seen Power Rangers in years (at least ten, maybe fifteen), and I was super hyped to see one of my favorite childhood movies.

Then my boyfriend and I watched it, and Power Rangers is…really bad. Honestly, it's not just really bad. It's more like super-duper crazy awful. The effects, even for the time, are badly done. The dialogue is horrific ("You ooze, you lose" oy vey). This broke my heart a little. I loved this movie. I wanted to be the Pink Ranger (who didn't?!). I wanted to date Tommy. I wanted to be part of the team even though I had no karate or gymnastics skills and could barely walk without tripping over my own feet.

I wanted this movie to hold up. I really did. Unfortunately, it holds up as well as a mayo-based salad left outside on a hot summer day.

Plot in a Nutshell: Some bananas at a construction site in Angel Grove accidentally uncover "Morphological Being" Ivan Ooze. Before the Rangers can hide his purple egg prison, Rita and Zedd show up and free him. Ooze tries to take over the world and nearly destroys the command center. Alpha sends the Rangers to a planet reminiscent of the world Luke Skywalker was on at the end of The Force Awakens. Dulcea, an awesome lady with a cool stick, gives them animal ninja powers, and they defeat dinosaur fossils to get the power of the universe to defeat Ooze, save the world, and bring Zordon back to life. Oh, and there's a kid who rallies the other kids to save their parents from jumping to their deaths. And Bulk and Skull are there too.

WTF: Who lets high school students jump out of a plane for a fundraiser? Why is the comet named Ryan's Comet? Is that Zedd's brain pulsating? Who takes free ooze from a creepy-looking wizard guy who just appears out of nowhere? What sort of magic makes dinosaur fossils come to life? Why, oh why, can no one figure out that these six are the Power Rangers? THEY ARE COLOR COORDINATED, PEOPLE.

Fun Facts are Fun: Paul Freeman, who played Ivan Ooze, also played René Belloq in Raiders of the Lost Art.

The Verdict: Oh good lawd have mercy, this was awful. My childhood is ruined.

Join me next week for Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation. Feel free to comment---I'll take the good, the bad, and the ugly.