The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here.

Star Wars: Episode 1–The Phantom Menace

I remember back in 1999 when we all were looking forward to this. Maybe our expectations were too high? Maybe we should have been concerned that no one was challenging George Lucas's vision and direction?

Now, I know people have very strong opinions on this movie. Having rewatched it for the first time in years, I can say that it's not as bad as I remember. That's not to say though that it doesn't have its faults. I mean, Mr. Lucas, what the fuck is happening with all the crazy racism? Who gives a damn about galactic politics?! What is up with the dialogue? WHY DOES JAR-JAR EXIST?????? MIDICHLORIANS?!

On the other hand, I am happy to report that the costumes and set design are still gorgeous. Also, Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson are still extremely good-looking Jedi.

Plot in a Nutshell: The peaceful planet is Naboo is under a blockade from the Trade Federation…fuck it, I'm not even going to try. This is complicated and BORING bullshit. Just know that Anakin Skywalker was a slave and the Jedi are fucking morons for not seeing the Sith right in front of them. Literally.

WTF: What's with all the blatant racism, Mr. Lucas? Padme was such a badass in this movie. She's a fourteen year old queen who's facing a grave situation and handles with grace and blaster. Where did this girl go? By the time Revenge of the Sith happens, she's barefoot and pregnant. Come on.

Fun Facts are Fun: Seriously, a lot of people are in this movie—Keira Knightley, Richard Armitage, Greg Proops, BRIAN BLESSED, Warwick Davis, Celia Imrie, Dominic West, Lindsay Duncan, Sofia Coppola, Peter Serafinowicz, Sally Hawkins, and Nathan Hamill.

The Verdict: It's long and boring. At least the costumes and Ewan McGregor are pretty?

I'm going on vacation, so there won't be a post next week. I know, you're all disappointed and dying inside.

I promise I'll never swear again. I'll never get another technical. I'll never trash talk...I won't go out with Madonna again.

Space Jam

I'm sure you're all so disappointed that I'm not reviewing Phantom Menace this week. So. Disappointed.

However, the opportunity came up for me and a friend to see Space Jam in the theater for the 20^th anniversary. Holy crap, it's been 20 years since Space Jam?! I feel so old. I don't feel as old and dated as the movie is though. Woof, it's definitely a 90s movie---from the effects to who's in it to the music.

That's not to say that I regret seeing it again. I don't. It's a weird relic of the mid-90s that will be seen by future generations as a genuinely weird movie of its time.

Plot in a Nutshell: Michael Jordan, GOAT of basketball, decides to leave the sport he's really good at for…baseball. Yikes, not a good choice dude. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far far away, an alien theme park is losing money, so the greedy owner comes up with the BEST PLAN EVER---kidnap the Looney Tunes and make them perform in the theme park forever. Hey aliens, it's not going to that easy. Thanks to some quick thinking by Bugs Bunny, they challenge the aliens, who are short, to a basketball game. What Bugs and his buds don't count on is that the aliens are crafty and steal the talents of five NBA stars, including Charles Barkley, to make themselves better. Oh no, you guise! That's when they rope in Michael Jordan to play with them in the Big Game. Somehow, Bill Murray also shows up and plays in the game too. The good guys win, the little aliens give the NBA players back their talent, and everyone lives happily ever after.

WTF: Did Bill Murray need the money? Why is he even in this movie? Why aren't people freaking out that there are aliens on Earth? Or better yet, that the Looney Tunes are real?

Fun Facts are Fun: The movie's website still exists. Go find it. (Thanks to my amazing coworker for that bit of 90s goodness.)

The Verdict: Eh, just watch it again. You'll see just how weird it is.

Okay, I promise I'll do Phantom Menace next week. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Why don't you try scrap booking them too freedom?

Trolls

I am so sorry to break up the schedule again. Then again, it's my blog and I do what I want. I went to see Trolls today with a friend and her niece. I was more looking forward to spending time with one of my favorite kids than seeing the movie to be honest.

However, I was pleasantly surprised by that glitter bomb of a movie. It was funny. It had a ton of heart. It…had John Cleese in it you guys!!! JOHN CLEESE. It also had a lot of fun songs too.

Plot in a Nutshell: Trolls are HAPPY ALL THE TIME, except Branch because he's a troll prepper. They previously escaped captivity from the Bergens, who believed they could only be happy by eating trolls. After Princess Poppy throws an ill-advised party and a disgraced Bergen chef kidnaps her friends, she and Branch go to get them back. Bridget, a Bergen scullery maid who loves the Bergen king, helps Poppy, Branch and company escape in exchange for a makeover. After one of Poppy's friends betrays them to the chef, Poppy is despondent, but zomg you guise Branch sings and makes it all better. Bridget lets her new friends escape, but Poppy and co go back for her and eventually show the Bergens that they can be happy without ingesting trolls. THE END.

WTF: Why the fuck would anyone eat a goddamn troll, especially one with filled with glitter?

Fun Facts are Fun: Trolls is DreamWorks Animation's first musical film since The Prince of Egypt. In 1998.

The Verdict: Go see it.

I solemnly swear that I'm going to stick to my schedule for next week. Prepare yourselves, Star Wars fans…I'm doing Phantom Menace.

You're holding my hand, Chuck, you sly dog.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Okay so maybe I was running late…and thought that maybe I should do A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, which is considerably shorter than doing The Pagemaster. I'll go to it eventually I promise.

Remember what I said about It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown being a seminal classic? Unfortunately, that's not A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, which isn't to say that it's bad. It's still heartwarming, except when Peppermint Patty is a massive dick, and funny in its own way. It's just missing something that It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown had. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know it's missing…whatever "it" is.

And remember kids, it's about being thankful and spending time with friends and family, not having a full Thanksgiving dinner prepared by children, a dog, and a bird at the last minute.

Plot in a Nutshell: Oh my gawd you guys it's Thanksgiving! Charlie Brown and Sally are excited to go to their grandma's for dinner, but then that child with no filter that everyone secretly hates Peppermint Patty invites herself, Marcie, and Franklin over to Charlie Brown's for dinner. Charlie Brown is in a bind! Linus suggests that they make something for the uninvited guests and then go his grandma's later. Chef Snoopy, Linus, and Charlie Brown make toast, jelly beans, pretzel sticks, and popcorn for dinner. After Peppermint Patty is a total ungrateful ho to Charlie Brown, Marcie tells her she's being unreasonable. Peppermint Patty apologizes to Charlie Brown, while being uncomfortably flirtatious, and his grandma decides to have everyone over for Thanksgiving! Awww she's the best. Snoppy and Woodstock have their own gigantic turkey for dinner.

WTF: Why the fuck did Peppermint Patty, Marcie, and Franklin's families leave them alone on Thanksgiving? Who does that?!??! Why hasn't an adult told Peppermint Patty that her behavior is completely unacceptable? Charlie Brown's grandma was very nice to have all the children over for dinner, but does she have enough food? Is Snoopy's doghouse a TARDIS? I swear it's bigger on the inside. One last thing---OMG WOODSTOCK IS EATING TURKEY. ISN'T THAT CANNIBALISM?!

Fun Facts are Fun: Peppermint Patty and Marcie are voiced by male actors.

The Verdict: It's worth a watch around Thanksgiving.

Next week it's time for a Disney classic starring Native Americans and Christian Bale. It's Pocahontas time!