The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here.

Star Wars: Episode 1–The Phantom Menace

I remember back in 1999 when we all were looking forward to this. Maybe our expectations were too high? Maybe we should have been concerned that no one was challenging George Lucas's vision and direction?

Now, I know people have very strong opinions on this movie. Having rewatched it for the first time in years, I can say that it's not as bad as I remember. That's not to say though that it doesn't have its faults. I mean, Mr. Lucas, what the fuck is happening with all the crazy racism? Who gives a damn about galactic politics?! What is up with the dialogue? WHY DOES JAR-JAR EXIST?????? MIDICHLORIANS?!

On the other hand, I am happy to report that the costumes and set design are still gorgeous. Also, Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson are still extremely good-looking Jedi.

Plot in a Nutshell: The peaceful planet is Naboo is under a blockade from the Trade Federation…fuck it, I'm not even going to try. This is complicated and BORING bullshit. Just know that Anakin Skywalker was a slave and the Jedi are fucking morons for not seeing the Sith right in front of them. Literally.

WTF: What's with all the blatant racism, Mr. Lucas? Padme was such a badass in this movie. She's a fourteen year old queen who's facing a grave situation and handles with grace and blaster. Where did this girl go? By the time Revenge of the Sith happens, she's barefoot and pregnant. Come on.

Fun Facts are Fun: Seriously, a lot of people are in this movie—Keira Knightley, Richard Armitage, Greg Proops, BRIAN BLESSED, Warwick Davis, Celia Imrie, Dominic West, Lindsay Duncan, Sofia Coppola, Peter Serafinowicz, Sally Hawkins, and Nathan Hamill.

The Verdict: It's long and boring. At least the costumes and Ewan McGregor are pretty?

I'm going on vacation, so there won't be a post next week. I know, you're all disappointed and dying inside.