Please do not try any of these events at home. That is, if you have a massive indoor ski slope in your living room!

A TV Interlude: Nickelodeon GUTS

It's that time again, dear readers! I loved watching GUTS as a kid…and as a young adult. True story. When I was severely ill in my early 20s, back when we had cable *weep*, Nick had the Games and Sports channel, which showed Legends of the Hidden Temple and GUTS at various points throughout the day. And that helped me get through my long days so thanks for that.

Ahem.

Similarly to Legends of the Hidden Temple, I thought I could be on GUTS. I'd rock the Aggro Crag yo. That's legit. I'd also rock whatever pool challenge they'd throw at me…unlike some of those kids YIKES.

Also similarly to the Legends of the Hidden Temple post, I am not rewatching the whole series. For this one, I'm choosing one episode at random.

Plot in a Nutshell: Let's see, this episode features Nick, Tiff, and Brandon. Hi children! Mike O'Malley and Mo are the best, you guys. They really are. The first challenge is Rebound, in which the kids are attached to elastic harnesses and jump TWELVE FEET IN THE AIR (thanks Mike O'Malley) to get "rebounds" off of a giant pedestal in the middle. Now, I've played basketball, and that's not quite how getting a rebound works but okay. Brandon in purple got 4 rebounds. Congrats for…being…jumpy? Nick and Tiff got absolutely nothing. And like every sports show ever, Mike interviews the "winner" of the round. "How did it feel with the elastic cord on your back?" "It was great, man!" The next challenge is one of my favorites---Basic Training. Man, I wanted to do it so badly as a kid. Not as bad as a Temple run but still! Nick in blue did the course in 27.3 seconds. Can Tiff or Brandon beat his time? Oh Tiff, walking through the Elastic Jungle is such a bad idea. The worst. Gurlllllll. 44.7 seconds for Tiff. Not good. Brandon finishes in 26.1 seconds. Yup, he's the frontrunner. Next event is Hang Ten…the pool is turned into "a raging ocean" (LOL OKAY) while the contestants have to body surf and collect as many buoys in 30 seconds. This shouldn't be hard. Right? Nick collected 9 out of 10 buoys. Oh Tiff. Please don't suck. Oh wow, she also got 9. Brandon only got 8. The last event before the Crag is the Tornado Run. Run the track and do the obstacles in the fastest time. Seems easy. Right? RIGHT? Nick does the course in 25.6 seconds, Tiff in 28.7, and Brandon in 20.2 seconds. He's winning right? He's totally winning. The very last event is the AGGRO CRAG. Basically climb to the top while hitting the buzzer things on the way. Brandon of course makes it to the top first, then Tiff, and then Nick. Seriously though, we all knew Brandon was winning. Brandon wins, Nick is in second place, and Tiff close behind in third. Least surprising result ever. Everyone gets a medal! Brandon gets the Aggro Crag! I wonder if he still has it…

WTF: Who the fuck thought of these events?

Fun Facts are Fun: WHAT THE KIDS HAVE TO GIVE BACK THE AGGRO CRAG THEY WON?!?!?!? I'm sorry but that's bullshit.

The Verdict: Mike and Mo Forever.

Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamaican accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.

Moana

I know, I know—I promised I'd do Hook. However, I watched Moana instead and saw that I haven't written about it yet. #NotSorry

Moana, I believe, is the first Disney princess movie with no love interest. It's certainly not Maui, voiced brilliantly by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who is more of an ally and friend to Moana. There are certainly young boys on Moana's island who have crushes on her, but it's nothing serious. Her parents aren't pressuring her to get married—she'll be the chief in her own right. That's such a positive message for both young girls and boys. Girls can do anything that boys can do—lead their people, go on adventures, and literally save everyone from a lava monster. True story.

There was a lot of hype behind this movie, namely because musical theater genius and Wesleyan University alum Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote several of the songs. And you can definitely tell which ones he wrote…which isn't a bad thing. They're very him. The only song in the movie that I'm not a fan of at all is "Shiny."

Oh and if you guys haven't watched Auli'i Cravalho's performance at the Oscars, you're missing out. What a talent.

Plot in a Nutshell: A long time ago, on an island far far away, a demigod named Maui stole the Heart of Te Fiti, causing a plague of darkness to spread from island to island, destroying all life there. When this darkness reaches Moana's island, the ocean chooses her to find Maui and restore the Heart. She is aided by literally the most stupid animal alive—Heihei the chicken. Seriously, he is DUMB. Moana and Maui go on adventures, learn a lot about each other, get discouraged, make up, and eventually it's Moana who restores the Heart, because FUCK YEAH SHE DOES. Moana saves the world, gets to be the next chief, and convinces her people to travel the seas once more. Who is better than her? Seriously, name someone. I dare you.

WTF: How did Heihei even survive to adulthood? It's odd that Moana's pet pig Pua was featured heavily in the promos for the movie and yet is barely in the final product. Oh and another thing—HOW DID THIS NOT WIN ANY OSCARS? WTF IS GOING ON?

Fun Facts are Fun: Christopher Jackson, LMM's buddy and Hamilton alum, provides the singing voice for Moana's father Chief Tui, who is actually voiced by Temuera Morrison, who was Jango Fett in Attack of the Clones. *takes a breath*

The Verdict: Hey, even if you just want to hear The Rock sing, watch it.

Anyone have any requests?

Happy Easter!

Dear Readers,

I hope that those of you celebrate have a Happy Easter...and for those of you who don't I hope you have an amazing Sunday! :)

No post this week, but I'll be back next week with the Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman classic Hook.

I know why they have holidays. They have holidays so people can get together and have fun. So why am I alone?

It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown

It's that time again…the Peanuts are celebrating Easter! It's the Easter Beagle is actually a pretty cute Peanuts cartoon. Unlike the Christmas special, this one isn't remotely religious in nature, except for Schroeder's mention of Easter being "a time of renewal." Despite the frustrating nature of relationships between the characters, particularly Peppermint Patty and Marcie and Snoopy and Woodstock, they all still come together and enjoy the holiday.

But seriously, Marcie cannot be THAT stupid to fry, oven roast, and boil egg insides, right? Right? RIGHT?

Oh my goodness, I love the subtle dig at Christmas shopping when they go to the department store and there's a banner that says 246 Days Until Christmas. Heehee. Anti-materialism is strong in the Peanuts universe.

Plot in a Nutshell: You guys it's Easter! As Schroeder says, "It's the start of spring." Not so when Marcie fries the eggs she and Peppermint Patty were supposed to color. OOPS. In the same vein of The Great Pumpkin, Linus thinks that the Easter Beagle comes at Easter. I know it's good that kids have a great imagination, but seriously when are his parents going to sit him down and have a long talk with him? Meanwhile, Woodstock is tired of getting cold and wet while asleep in a regular bird's nest. Snoopy helps out by trying to get a bird house. Marcie still literally can't put eggs in boiling water. Oy vey. Everyone is despondent on Easter morning, until…SNOOPY SAVES THE DAY! I mean, he stole all of Lucy's eggs, but it's for a good cause! Lucy is still pissed at Snoopy ten weeks later…that is until Snoopy gives her a kiss! AWWWW.

WTF: Where does Snoopy keep his change? He's a dog with no pockets. What kind of LSD fantasy is Snoopy having looking inside that egg? Are Peppermint Patty and Marcie so dense that they don't realize Snoopy is a dog?

Fun Facts are Fun: Johann Sebastian Bach's "Menuet from the Anna Magdalena Notebook" and the first movement of Beethoven's Seventh Symphony are heard in this special. Notably, Schroeder isn't playing Beethoven.

The Verdict: It's a cute Peanuts special. Of course watch it.

Next week is Easter, everyone!

Okay, so we've got a new student joining us in detention, Tommy Oliver. Tommy Oliver?

Power Rangers

I figured I should do the reboot of Power Rangers since I did the one that came out when I was kid for the first ever post. I dragged a friend with me for discount Tuesday to see it…and it wasn't that bad. Loved seeing the Zords. MOAR ZORDS. And more sassy Bryan Cranston.

However, that's not to say it was great either. I know this supposed to be an origin story, whereas the other Power Rangers movie had everything already established, but goodness that part of it dragged for a while. I'm not sure I really care that Jason was a star football player who made a couple of poor decisions that cost him everything? Or that Kimberly is a reformed Mean Girl who does the "I'm different now so I'll hack off my hair in the bathroom" thing? #SorryNotSorry I do like that Trini is questioning her sexuality. That's a nice step forward.

Plot in a Nutshell: After a prank gone bad and a car crash, ex-football star Jason is sent to detention for forever? He meets Billy and Kimberly. Billy asks Jason to take him to the quarry, where they meet up with Zack and Trini and find some glowing stones. Dear readers, if you see glowing stones at a quarry, DO NOT PICK THEM UP. They become the Power Rangers, have a training montage with Alpha 5, Zordon is a dick, and Rita starts off as a mummy and then starts killing Angel Grove citizens for gold. GO GO POWER RANGERS. They save the world.

WTF: Whatever happened with Billy's mom's van??????????????? Did Zordon and Rita have a thing? Because it seems like they did to be honest.

Fun Facts are Fun: Amy Jo Johnson and Jason David Frank, the original Kimberly and Tommy, have cameos as Angel Grove citizens. Bryan Cranston voiced monsters in the original TV series, and the character Billy Cranston is named after him.

The Verdict: Eh, it's worth a watch if you have kids or have fond memories of the series. Just skip the first half.

Hmmmm is it time to review another show? I think so…