Please do not try any of these events at home. That is, if you have a massive indoor ski slope in your living room!

A TV Interlude: Nickelodeon GUTS

It's that time again, dear readers! I loved watching GUTS as a kid…and as a young adult. True story. When I was severely ill in my early 20s, back when we had cable *weep*, Nick had the Games and Sports channel, which showed Legends of the Hidden Temple and GUTS at various points throughout the day. And that helped me get through my long days so thanks for that.

Ahem.

Similarly to Legends of the Hidden Temple, I thought I could be on GUTS. I'd rock the Aggro Crag yo. That's legit. I'd also rock whatever pool challenge they'd throw at me…unlike some of those kids YIKES.

Also similarly to the Legends of the Hidden Temple post, I am not rewatching the whole series. For this one, I'm choosing one episode at random.

Plot in a Nutshell: Let's see, this episode features Nick, Tiff, and Brandon. Hi children! Mike O'Malley and Mo are the best, you guys. They really are. The first challenge is Rebound, in which the kids are attached to elastic harnesses and jump TWELVE FEET IN THE AIR (thanks Mike O'Malley) to get "rebounds" off of a giant pedestal in the middle. Now, I've played basketball, and that's not quite how getting a rebound works but okay. Brandon in purple got 4 rebounds. Congrats for…being…jumpy? Nick and Tiff got absolutely nothing. And like every sports show ever, Mike interviews the "winner" of the round. "How did it feel with the elastic cord on your back?" "It was great, man!" The next challenge is one of my favorites---Basic Training. Man, I wanted to do it so badly as a kid. Not as bad as a Temple run but still! Nick in blue did the course in 27.3 seconds. Can Tiff or Brandon beat his time? Oh Tiff, walking through the Elastic Jungle is such a bad idea. The worst. Gurlllllll. 44.7 seconds for Tiff. Not good. Brandon finishes in 26.1 seconds. Yup, he's the frontrunner. Next event is Hang Ten…the pool is turned into "a raging ocean" (LOL OKAY) while the contestants have to body surf and collect as many buoys in 30 seconds. This shouldn't be hard. Right? Nick collected 9 out of 10 buoys. Oh Tiff. Please don't suck. Oh wow, she also got 9. Brandon only got 8. The last event before the Crag is the Tornado Run. Run the track and do the obstacles in the fastest time. Seems easy. Right? RIGHT? Nick does the course in 25.6 seconds, Tiff in 28.7, and Brandon in 20.2 seconds. He's winning right? He's totally winning. The very last event is the AGGRO CRAG. Basically climb to the top while hitting the buzzer things on the way. Brandon of course makes it to the top first, then Tiff, and then Nick. Seriously though, we all knew Brandon was winning. Brandon wins, Nick is in second place, and Tiff close behind in third. Least surprising result ever. Everyone gets a medal! Brandon gets the Aggro Crag! I wonder if he still has it…

WTF: Who the fuck thought of these events?

Fun Facts are Fun: WHAT THE KIDS HAVE TO GIVE BACK THE AGGRO CRAG THEY WON?!?!?!? I'm sorry but that's bullshit.

The Verdict: Mike and Mo Forever.