Sunday, April 23, 2017

Can we be real? If my name was Sebastian and I had a cool Jamaican accent, you'd totally help me. You would. You know you would.

Moana

I know, I know—I promised I'd do Hook. However, I watched Moana instead and saw that I haven't written about it yet. #NotSorry

Moana, I believe, is the first Disney princess movie with no love interest. It's certainly not Maui, voiced brilliantly by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who is more of an ally and friend to Moana. There are certainly young boys on Moana's island who have crushes on her, but it's nothing serious. Her parents aren't pressuring her to get married—she'll be the chief in her own right. That's such a positive message for both young girls and boys. Girls can do anything that boys can do—lead their people, go on adventures, and literally save everyone from a lava monster. True story.

There was a lot of hype behind this movie, namely because musical theater genius and Wesleyan University alum Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote several of the songs. And you can definitely tell which ones he wrote…which isn't a bad thing. They're very him. The only song in the movie that I'm not a fan of at all is "Shiny."

Oh and if you guys haven't watched Auli'i Cravalho's performance at the Oscars, you're missing out. What a talent.

Plot in a Nutshell: A long time ago, on an island far far away, a demigod named Maui stole the Heart of Te Fiti, causing a plague of darkness to spread from island to island, destroying all life there. When this darkness reaches Moana's island, the ocean chooses her to find Maui and restore the Heart. She is aided by literally the most stupid animal alive—Heihei the chicken. Seriously, he is DUMB. Moana and Maui go on adventures, learn a lot about each other, get discouraged, make up, and eventually it's Moana who restores the Heart, because FUCK YEAH SHE DOES. Moana saves the world, gets to be the next chief, and convinces her people to travel the seas once more. Who is better than her? Seriously, name someone. I dare you.

WTF: How did Heihei even survive to adulthood? It's odd that Moana's pet pig Pua was featured heavily in the promos for the movie and yet is barely in the final product. Oh and another thing—HOW DID THIS NOT WIN ANY OSCARS? WTF IS GOING ON?

Fun Facts are Fun: Christopher Jackson, LMM's buddy and Hamilton alum, provides the singing voice for Moana's father Chief Tui, who is actually voiced by Temuera Morrison, who was Jango Fett in Attack of the Clones. *takes a breath*

The Verdict: Hey, even if you just want to hear The Rock sing, watch it.

Anyone have any requests?

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