Someone turn me back into a clock please!

Beauty and the Beast

At the asscrack of dawn…okay, not really, but I did go to the movies at 9AM yesterday morning to see NEW Beauty and the Beast. My friend's nearly five-year-old niece was SUPER EXCITED. We were SUPER EXCITED.

And we weren't disappointed. It's different in subtle ways than the original, including the filling in of several plot holes that I mentioned last week. Emma Watson doesn't have the strongest singing voice ever, but she's still incredibly charming as Belle. I love Ewan McGregor, and I don't give a fuck. The whole cast was fantastic, even Dan Stevens, about whom I had massive reservations. He killed it, man. Who knew he could sing that well?

Plot in a Nutshell: People, this is literally the same movie, except with some extra songs and homoerotism.

WTF: So remember my points from last week about the Beast's parents, his age when he was enchanted, and all that? That's all addressed in the movie. For real. Still though, Gaston is a dick. A hot dick but a dick.

Fun Facts are Fun: Ewan McGregor's wife is French, and yet I still detect a wee bit of Mexican in that "French" accent. Ryan Gosling was offered the role of the Beast but chose to do La La Land instead. Emma Watson turned down La La Land to do this movie. Sir Ian McKellen was cast as Cogsworth in the original but declined the role. Extremely hot Welshman Luke Evans wore false teeth as Gaston. Doesn't matter though…he's still really hot.

The Verdict: I can't wait to see it again!!!!

No blog post next week people, but I'll be back the week after!

Were you in love with her, Beast? Did you honestly think she'd want you? When she had someone like me?

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

Can you believe Beauty and the Beast was the first animated film to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture? Well, it was…and for good reason. Everything—the animation, the songs, the voice acting—comes together to make a beautiful film for the whole family.

I have very fond memories of this movie, and while I like the casting for the new live-action Beauty and the Beast (except for Matthew Crawley wtf), I wonder how much of my love for this will cloud my opinion of it. We shall see.

Plot in a Nutshell: An asshole young prince turns away an old woman who is an enchantress. She decides to teach him a lesson and turns him into a beast, while his servants are transformed into household objects. HARSH. Years later, somewhere in the middle of nowhere in France, bookworm Belle lives with her inventor father Maurice and is being chased by vain and stupid Gaston. After Maurice goes missing while taking his latest invention to a fair, Belle goes in search of her father. To save him from his captivity at the Beast's castle, she offers herself in her place. Throughout her time at the castle, she and the Beast fall in love, with the Beast and his servants hoping that Belle will break the curse. Gaston has his own plans, however. He plans to throw Maurice into the asylum to force Belle to marry him. Once Gaston realizes that Belle loves the Beast, he organizes a mob to kill the Beast and destroy his castle. After a fight and possible death, the spell is broken and everyone becomes human again. Everyone lives happily ever after. WOOOOO.

WTF: Why did the enchantress punish the servants? They literally did nothing wrong. They just happened to be there. Did the villagers simply forget about the prince living in that giant castle? What happened to the Beast's parents? I'm really confused by the timeline—so the Beast is supposed to fall in love and be loved in return before his 21^st birthday and Lumiere mentions "ten years we've been rusting" so wait the Beast was turned into a Beast at eleven years old? Damn that enchantress was HARSH AF.

Fun Facts are Fun: Disney veteran David Ogden Stiers is both the voice of Cogsworth and the narrator. Howard Ashman, lyricist and executive producer, died of AIDS eight months before the film was released. According to IMDB, Rupert Everett auditioned to be the Beast but was told he didn't sound arrogant enough. It was Angela Lansbury's idea to have Mrs. Potts sing "Beauty and the Beast." Jackie Chan strikes again—he performed the voice of the Beast for the Chinese release.

The Verdict: There's a reason why Beauty and the Beast was selected for preservation. WATCH IT.

Next week, I'll be seeing the new Beauty and the Beast with my buddy and her nearly five-year-old niece. This. Should. Be. FUN.

That's it? Well, I suppose I could always feed my mother cat food.

Good Burger

Ah Good Burger. Everyone's favorite All That sketch made into a major motion picture. It's enjoyable after…wait, this movie is 20 years old?!?!?!? NO WAY. NO. I feel old. *epic sad face*

I totally forgot that Carmen Electra is in this. And Linda Cardellini. And Issac Hayes?! AND SHAQ?! Sinbad! There's even a very 90s dance number. And as always, Kenan and Kel kill it. Why isn't Kel on SNL with Kenan?

Plot in a Nutshell: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. After Dexter Reed crashes his mom's car into his least favorite teacher's car, he must get a summer job to pay him back. He didn't get hired at Mondo Burger, but Ed got him a job at Good Burger. Hilarity ensues…as well as subplots involving corporate conglomerates destroying small business and Ed's secret sauce. In the end, Good Burger is saved, Dexter is able to pay back his teacher, and Ed is Ed.

WTF: Not sure how Kurt got Ed and Dexter admitted to Demented Hills. What IS in Ed's secret sauce?

Fun Facts are Fun: J. August Richards, who plays Griffen, is more famously known for playing Gunn on Angel. Several All That regulars are in Good Burger including Lori Beth Denberg and Josh Server. Good Burger still hasn't been released on Blu-ray.

The Verdict: Still good after all these years.

Next week, dear readers, I'll be watching Beauty and the Beast in preparation for the release of the new Beauty and the Beast. You know, the one with Hermione Granger, Matthew Crawley, Magneto, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Bard the Bowman.

You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty.

Mulan

Ah, the girl power Disney movie of the 90s. Mulan is based on the Chinese folktale in which a daughter takes her unwell father's place in the army to save his life. The movie mostly holds up, but good lord, the cross dressing jokes are a bit too much. Awkward. That being said, the voice acting of Ming-na Wen is amazing, as are the vocals of Lea Salonga. Christina Aguilera's single "Reflection" arguably propelled her into stardom. I remember singing it in my bedroom…by myself...yeah. AWKWARD.

It's interesting that I'm read on IMDB Mulan was made to appease the Chinese government as a response to Kundun, which Disney funded. I'm not sure how true this is, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Plot in a Nutshell: Fa Mulan is a young woman who is actually a tomboy and really doesn't want to be simply a man's wife. After she royally fucks up her interview with the village matchmaker, couriers from the Imperial City arrive with bad news---the Huns have invaded China and the Emperor requires one man from each family to serve in the Imperial Army. But alas, in the Fa family, there's only Mulan's father, who is old and has lingering war injuries. Mulan decides to take his place. Her ancestors try to send The Great Stone Dragon to find her, but he gets destroyed by Mushu, a disgraced family guardian. Mulan ends up becoming a hero, even after being found out, and China is saved thanks to her because women get shit done.

WTF: George Takei, an American of Japanese descent, is the voice of the First Ancestor. Because all Asians are the same right?

Fun Facts are Fun: The names written in the Fa family shrine were the names of the animators who worked on the film. Jackie Chan was the voice of Shang in the Chinese version.

The Verdict: It's a worth a watch.

Unrelated to Mulan, but rest in peace Bill Paxton.

What's the password? Iron Man sucks.

The Lego Batman Movie

I need to confess something, dear readers—I LOVE The Lego Movie. I love it. I really really love it. It's the right mix of hilarious and soul-touching. I own it. I love watching it. In fact, I watched it on Christmas morning because…

EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!

Ahem. When I found out there was going to be a Lego Batman movie, I almost lost it. It's going to be…AWESOME. I swear I'll stop with the awesome. Maybe.

I dragged my friend N to see it with me, and she wasn't exactly excited to see it. By the end though, she thought it was better than she thought it was going to be. However, I thought it was…AWESOME. EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!!!!! I think I love it almost as much as The Lego Movie. It still has that magical mix of funny and yanking on those heartstrings with many Batman self-references.

Plot in a Nutshell: Batman does his thing—stopping criminals in Gotham, giving merchandise to orphans, and eating lobster thermidor. However, when Commissioner Gordon retires and his super cop daughter Barbara takes over, Batman's world is turned upside down. It's also turned upside down because he unintentionally adopts Robin. In order to defeat a very clingy Joker and his evil friends, he must team up with those he cares for most, even though Batman works alone.

WTF: Daleks appear in the movie, but they couldn't say the word "dalek." Is it copyrighted?

Fun Facts are Fun: Will Arnett's two sons Archie and Abel provide additional voices. Billy Dee Williams voices Two Face, and Mariah Carey (yes, that Mariah Carey) did the voice of the Mayor of Gotham City. Ralph Fiennes is the voice of Alfred, and he played Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter series. I was so hoping he'd voice Voldemort here, but alas no. It was Eddie Izzard.

The Verdict: GO SEE IT RIGHT NOW.

Happy Presidents Day, everyone!

I thought Christmas only comes once a year.

The World is Not Enough

Okay I know this isn't a children's movie. I KNOW. However, this is the first James Bond movie I saw in the theaters back in 1999. I was a kid…and I saw it…so I'm going to do it.

I know many Bond fans have mixed feelings about Pierce Brosnan. You either love his Bond or you hate it. I'm in the camp of liking his Bond. He's just so dreamy…erm, yes he's very to look at…oh wait, he's just fun okay. I think he's trying to be an English Bond, but good lord his Irish accent comes out a lot.

The World is Not Enough is the third Brosnan Bond movie. It's long at two hours and eight minutes. It also feels quite long as well. How the hell did I sit through this thing? As an adult, it still feels quite long. At least the cast is quite good---Robbie Coltrane, Robert Carlyle, Sophie Marceau, and of course Dame Judi Dench.

But then there's Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist…yikes.

Plot in a Nutshell: Okay so I'm going to try to figure this out. James Bond drives a boat after M16 is bombed, killing an oil magnate. The oil magnate's daughter is really hot, and Bond bangs her after hanging out with Russian Robbie Coltrane. But there's her former kidnapper who loves her and they're together? And they kill her dad the oil magnate? And steal a nuclear bomb? For reasons? M is also captured and is a badass. But then the good guys win, and Bond bangs Nuclear Scientist Denise Richards.

WTF: See above. Also, there's a character called Dr. Molly Warmflash. Come on.

Fun Facts are Fun: This was the last movie for Desmond Llewelyn, who played Q. He died in a car accident soon after the movie's premiere. Serena Scott Thomas, the aforementioned Dr. Warmflash, did her love scene herself with no doubles.

The Verdict: Eh not the best Bond outing, but if you want to see some good actors blow shit up, then be my guest.

I'm not even following a schedule anymore, so who knows what I'll do?!?!?

A Jedi Knight? Jeez, I'm out of it for a little while, everyone gets delusions of grandeur!

Star Wars: Episode 6—Return of the Jedi

Return of the Jedi appears to be the one movie of the original trilogy that people seem to be most torn—some love it and some hate it. Like with Empire, without the direction of Richard Marquand and co-writer Lawrence Kasdan, it would've been a very different movie. With age, this, like Empire, holds up incredibly well.

Except for the new Ewok song and the inclusion of the CGI cities and worlds celebrating the end of the Empire. No. No. No. No.

I do have a bone to pick with people though—why don't people love Ewoks more? "Ugh they're too cute and cuddly! Why are they even in a Star Wars movie?" Because they are badasses. These tiny little dudes and ladies have no modern weapons, but they take out Stroomtroopers and Walkers like no big deal.

And I didn't mention Leia's metal bikini once! Oops…I just did.

Plot in a Nutshell: Han gets unfrozen. Yoda dies because he's really really really old. Lando destroys the second Death Star. Leia and Luke are actually twins. Ewoks kill Stormtroopers with rocks and sticks. Vader is redeemed. Presumably, Han and Leia make Kylo Ren after the celebration on Endor.

WTF: How could Leia remember her mother? Padme died giving birth, so unless part of Leia's Force sensitivity is remembering her birth…there's no way she could have.

Fun Facts are Fun: Return of the Jedi was Warwick Davis' debut. The man who plays Vader's body, David Prowse, didn't know that they were going to a reveal of Vader's face. For that scene, it was actor Sebastian Shaw playing Vader. Other actors to be considered for the role of Emperor Palpatine included David Suchet and Ben Kingsley.

The Verdict: Of course watch it.

I'm having a conundrum dear readers—now that I've finished the original trilogy should I do the rest of the prequels?