Mother always taught me: "Never eat singing food."

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Oh Muppet Christmas Carol, how do I love thee? It's a Foley family tradition to watch this movie at least one around the holidays. My parents definitely ingrained their love of the Muppets into me.

I think this is my favorite Muppet movie. I love the songs. I love that Gonzo is Charles Dickens. I love that Sir Michael Caine played it completely straight while acting alongside the Muppets, making, what I think, a near perfect Scrooge. (Sorry Sir Patrick Stewart, you know I love you.)

This statement definitely reveals just how old I am---when people mention Sir Michael Caine, the first thing I think of is Muppet Christmas Carol, not necessarily his iconic roles from his long career.

Plot in a Nutshell: It's A Christmas Carol…with Muppets.

WTF: I mean, it's Muppet Christmas Carol, so between singing frogs, skating penguins, and Rizzo the Rat eating everything in Victorian London, there's a lot of WTF going on. Just enjoy it.

Fun Facts are Fun: This was the first Muppet project after Jim Henson died. Oddly enough, this wonderful movie suffered at the box office because of Home Alone 2.

The Verdict: WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. Preferably with some singing vegetables.

Next week, it's time to go see Matilda.

By the way, dear readers, I'm going to be a reader request post in a few weeks, so please leave any suggestions in the comments or on my Twitter or Facebook. Thanks!

Merry Christmas...No Review Today!

Hello reader(s)!

I decided that in honor of Christmas, I will not be putting up a post today. I will however have it for tomorrow.

Yeah...that's it.

Have a great Sunday!

I didn't send you a Christmas card, Charlie Brown.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is the granddaddy of the Halloween specials. A Charlie Brown Christmas is the granddaddy of all the granddaddies of the Christmas specials. In 1965, commercialism was already a problem at Christmas. And now…it's still a massive problem. It's my biggest problem with the Christmas season. It's supposed to be about spending time with the people you love and being generous, not about Black Friday and how much money you spend on presents.

But enough about my self-righteous Christmas commercialism anger.

I love A Charlie Brown Christmas. I love it so much. Other than the weirdo Christian Bible reading, it's perfection. Vince Guaraldi's music is perfect. The sentiment is perfect.

IT'S PERFECT, OKAY.

Plot in a Nutshell: Christmastime is here…Charlie Brown is having the sadz during the Christmas season. In order to get him out of his funk, Lucy enlists him to be director of their Christmas pageant. When no one listens, Lucy has another BRILLIANT idea—go get an awesome Christmas tree. Charlie Brown, however, picks a tiny sapling that can't even hold one ornament. Everyone laughs at him. Charlie Brown is on the edge of an emotional cliff, calling out in desperation, "Does anyone know what Christmas is all about?!" Linus then goes into his super Christian speech about the birth of Jesus. Charlie Brown leaves with his sapling, and everyone follows him. Like everyone. They all follow him. Just. Very. Slowly. When Charlie Brown tries to put an ornament on the tree, he finally spirals into full blown epic sadz. The kids take all of Snoopy's decorations and magically the sapling becomes a REAL LIFE CHRISTMAS TREE. Then they all sing "Hark the Herald" under the stars.

WTF: Charlie Brown suffers from major depression. He has to. That poor kid needs medication and maybe…homeschooling? Going to private school? Away from all the devil children?

Fun Facts are Fun: According to IMDB, the young actress who voiced Sally had to be fed her lines, because she didn't know how to read yet.

The Verdict: If you watch this and feel all the feelings, you're a soulless robot from hell.

Next week, it's one of my favorites—it involves Muppets, Michael Caine, and a rat.

That's one thing I hate! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

If you guys and gals think this is a review of that Jim Carrey abomination, you're wrong. Really wrong. Forever wrong. No dear readers, I'm reviewing the 1966 classic Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!. This is the only correct version. The other one doesn't exist. Nope.

What's the most famous part of this television movie? The song? The endless gifs of The Grinch's trollface? The realization that you don't need material things to celebrate Christmas? (HAHAHAHAHAHA okay maybe not that one.) Whatever it is…this endures.

Plot in a Nutshell: It's Christmas time, everyone! All the Whos down in Who-ville are so excited! There is one person in the general area who isn't though—the Grinch. He lives at the top of a mountain with his poor dog Max. He hates Christmas so much that he comes up with the bestest plan ever you guise! He's going to steal everything from the Whos! There's a wrench in his plans in the form of little Cindy Lou Who. She asks him why he's taking their Christmas tree, and the crafty Grinch creates a lie that the young girl believes. After the Grinch steals literally everything from the Whos, he gloats as Christmas morning arrives. He expected to hear weeping, but zomg the Whos sang! They still celebrated Christmas without all their presents, roast beast, candy canes, and tiny waiters! The Grinch has a change of heart. Literally. His heart grew and usually that's a sign of a serious medical condition but okay whatever. In the end, the Grinch returned everything to the Whos and they included him in their Christmas celebration.

WTF: Roast beast? Poor Max. That dog deserves way better. Kids really shouldn't sleep with candy canes. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Fun Facts are Fun: Boris Karloff is The Grinch. Chuck Jones of Looney Tunes fame directed. Theodor Geisel wrote the lyrics to "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch."

The Verdict: You're insane if you don't watch this at least one during the holiday season. AND STOP SHOPPING SO MUCH. CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT MATERIAL THINGS.

Next week I'll be doing the granddaddy of all Christmas specials. I'll give you a hint—it involves the saddest looking Christmas tree ever.

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here.

Star Wars: Episode 1–The Phantom Menace

I remember back in 1999 when we all were looking forward to this. Maybe our expectations were too high? Maybe we should have been concerned that no one was challenging George Lucas's vision and direction?

Now, I know people have very strong opinions on this movie. Having rewatched it for the first time in years, I can say that it's not as bad as I remember. That's not to say though that it doesn't have its faults. I mean, Mr. Lucas, what the fuck is happening with all the crazy racism? Who gives a damn about galactic politics?! What is up with the dialogue? WHY DOES JAR-JAR EXIST?????? MIDICHLORIANS?!

On the other hand, I am happy to report that the costumes and set design are still gorgeous. Also, Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson are still extremely good-looking Jedi.

Plot in a Nutshell: The peaceful planet is Naboo is under a blockade from the Trade Federation…fuck it, I'm not even going to try. This is complicated and BORING bullshit. Just know that Anakin Skywalker was a slave and the Jedi are fucking morons for not seeing the Sith right in front of them. Literally.

WTF: What's with all the blatant racism, Mr. Lucas? Padme was such a badass in this movie. She's a fourteen year old queen who's facing a grave situation and handles with grace and blaster. Where did this girl go? By the time Revenge of the Sith happens, she's barefoot and pregnant. Come on.

Fun Facts are Fun: Seriously, a lot of people are in this movie—Keira Knightley, Richard Armitage, Greg Proops, BRIAN BLESSED, Warwick Davis, Celia Imrie, Dominic West, Lindsay Duncan, Sofia Coppola, Peter Serafinowicz, Sally Hawkins, and Nathan Hamill.

The Verdict: It's long and boring. At least the costumes and Ewan McGregor are pretty?

I'm going on vacation, so there won't be a post next week. I know, you're all disappointed and dying inside.

I promise I'll never swear again. I'll never get another technical. I'll never trash talk...I won't go out with Madonna again.

Space Jam

I'm sure you're all so disappointed that I'm not reviewing Phantom Menace this week. So. Disappointed.

However, the opportunity came up for me and a friend to see Space Jam in the theater for the 20^th anniversary. Holy crap, it's been 20 years since Space Jam?! I feel so old. I don't feel as old and dated as the movie is though. Woof, it's definitely a 90s movie---from the effects to who's in it to the music.

That's not to say that I regret seeing it again. I don't. It's a weird relic of the mid-90s that will be seen by future generations as a genuinely weird movie of its time.

Plot in a Nutshell: Michael Jordan, GOAT of basketball, decides to leave the sport he's really good at for…baseball. Yikes, not a good choice dude. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far far away, an alien theme park is losing money, so the greedy owner comes up with the BEST PLAN EVER---kidnap the Looney Tunes and make them perform in the theme park forever. Hey aliens, it's not going to that easy. Thanks to some quick thinking by Bugs Bunny, they challenge the aliens, who are short, to a basketball game. What Bugs and his buds don't count on is that the aliens are crafty and steal the talents of five NBA stars, including Charles Barkley, to make themselves better. Oh no, you guise! That's when they rope in Michael Jordan to play with them in the Big Game. Somehow, Bill Murray also shows up and plays in the game too. The good guys win, the little aliens give the NBA players back their talent, and everyone lives happily ever after.

WTF: Did Bill Murray need the money? Why is he even in this movie? Why aren't people freaking out that there are aliens on Earth? Or better yet, that the Looney Tunes are real?

Fun Facts are Fun: The movie's website still exists. Go find it. (Thanks to my amazing coworker for that bit of 90s goodness.)

The Verdict: Eh, just watch it again. You'll see just how weird it is.

Okay, I promise I'll do Phantom Menace next week. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Why don't you try scrap booking them too freedom?

Trolls

I am so sorry to break up the schedule again. Then again, it's my blog and I do what I want. I went to see Trolls today with a friend and her niece. I was more looking forward to spending time with one of my favorite kids than seeing the movie to be honest.

However, I was pleasantly surprised by that glitter bomb of a movie. It was funny. It had a ton of heart. It…had John Cleese in it you guys!!! JOHN CLEESE. It also had a lot of fun songs too.

Plot in a Nutshell: Trolls are HAPPY ALL THE TIME, except Branch because he's a troll prepper. They previously escaped captivity from the Bergens, who believed they could only be happy by eating trolls. After Princess Poppy throws an ill-advised party and a disgraced Bergen chef kidnaps her friends, she and Branch go to get them back. Bridget, a Bergen scullery maid who loves the Bergen king, helps Poppy, Branch and company escape in exchange for a makeover. After one of Poppy's friends betrays them to the chef, Poppy is despondent, but zomg you guise Branch sings and makes it all better. Bridget lets her new friends escape, but Poppy and co go back for her and eventually show the Bergens that they can be happy without ingesting trolls. THE END.

WTF: Why the fuck would anyone eat a goddamn troll, especially one with filled with glitter?

Fun Facts are Fun: Trolls is DreamWorks Animation's first musical film since The Prince of Egypt. In 1998.

The Verdict: Go see it.

I solemnly swear that I'm going to stick to my schedule for next week. Prepare yourselves, Star Wars fans…I'm doing Phantom Menace.