Mother always taught me: "Never eat singing food."

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Oh Muppet Christmas Carol, how do I love thee? It's a Foley family tradition to watch this movie at least one around the holidays. My parents definitely ingrained their love of the Muppets into me.

I think this is my favorite Muppet movie. I love the songs. I love that Gonzo is Charles Dickens. I love that Sir Michael Caine played it completely straight while acting alongside the Muppets, making, what I think, a near perfect Scrooge. (Sorry Sir Patrick Stewart, you know I love you.)

This statement definitely reveals just how old I am---when people mention Sir Michael Caine, the first thing I think of is Muppet Christmas Carol, not necessarily his iconic roles from his long career.

Plot in a Nutshell: It's A Christmas Carol…with Muppets.

WTF: I mean, it's Muppet Christmas Carol, so between singing frogs, skating penguins, and Rizzo the Rat eating everything in Victorian London, there's a lot of WTF going on. Just enjoy it.

Fun Facts are Fun: This was the first Muppet project after Jim Henson died. Oddly enough, this wonderful movie suffered at the box office because of Home Alone 2.

The Verdict: WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. Preferably with some singing vegetables.

Next week, it's time to go see Matilda.

By the way, dear readers, I'm going to be a reader request post in a few weeks, so please leave any suggestions in the comments or on my Twitter or Facebook. Thanks!

Merry Christmas...No Review Today!

Hello reader(s)!

I decided that in honor of Christmas, I will not be putting up a post today. I will however have it for tomorrow.

Yeah...that's it.

Have a great Sunday!

I didn't send you a Christmas card, Charlie Brown.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is the granddaddy of the Halloween specials. A Charlie Brown Christmas is the granddaddy of all the granddaddies of the Christmas specials. In 1965, commercialism was already a problem at Christmas. And now…it's still a massive problem. It's my biggest problem with the Christmas season. It's supposed to be about spending time with the people you love and being generous, not about Black Friday and how much money you spend on presents.

But enough about my self-righteous Christmas commercialism anger.

I love A Charlie Brown Christmas. I love it so much. Other than the weirdo Christian Bible reading, it's perfection. Vince Guaraldi's music is perfect. The sentiment is perfect.

IT'S PERFECT, OKAY.

Plot in a Nutshell: Christmastime is here…Charlie Brown is having the sadz during the Christmas season. In order to get him out of his funk, Lucy enlists him to be director of their Christmas pageant. When no one listens, Lucy has another BRILLIANT idea—go get an awesome Christmas tree. Charlie Brown, however, picks a tiny sapling that can't even hold one ornament. Everyone laughs at him. Charlie Brown is on the edge of an emotional cliff, calling out in desperation, "Does anyone know what Christmas is all about?!" Linus then goes into his super Christian speech about the birth of Jesus. Charlie Brown leaves with his sapling, and everyone follows him. Like everyone. They all follow him. Just. Very. Slowly. When Charlie Brown tries to put an ornament on the tree, he finally spirals into full blown epic sadz. The kids take all of Snoopy's decorations and magically the sapling becomes a REAL LIFE CHRISTMAS TREE. Then they all sing "Hark the Herald" under the stars.

WTF: Charlie Brown suffers from major depression. He has to. That poor kid needs medication and maybe…homeschooling? Going to private school? Away from all the devil children?

Fun Facts are Fun: According to IMDB, the young actress who voiced Sally had to be fed her lines, because she didn't know how to read yet.

The Verdict: If you watch this and feel all the feelings, you're a soulless robot from hell.

Next week, it's one of my favorites—it involves Muppets, Michael Caine, and a rat.

That's one thing I hate! All the noise, noise, noise, noise!

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

If you guys and gals think this is a review of that Jim Carrey abomination, you're wrong. Really wrong. Forever wrong. No dear readers, I'm reviewing the 1966 classic Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!. This is the only correct version. The other one doesn't exist. Nope.

What's the most famous part of this television movie? The song? The endless gifs of The Grinch's trollface? The realization that you don't need material things to celebrate Christmas? (HAHAHAHAHAHA okay maybe not that one.) Whatever it is…this endures.

Plot in a Nutshell: It's Christmas time, everyone! All the Whos down in Who-ville are so excited! There is one person in the general area who isn't though—the Grinch. He lives at the top of a mountain with his poor dog Max. He hates Christmas so much that he comes up with the bestest plan ever you guise! He's going to steal everything from the Whos! There's a wrench in his plans in the form of little Cindy Lou Who. She asks him why he's taking their Christmas tree, and the crafty Grinch creates a lie that the young girl believes. After the Grinch steals literally everything from the Whos, he gloats as Christmas morning arrives. He expected to hear weeping, but zomg the Whos sang! They still celebrated Christmas without all their presents, roast beast, candy canes, and tiny waiters! The Grinch has a change of heart. Literally. His heart grew and usually that's a sign of a serious medical condition but okay whatever. In the end, the Grinch returned everything to the Whos and they included him in their Christmas celebration.

WTF: Roast beast? Poor Max. That dog deserves way better. Kids really shouldn't sleep with candy canes. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Fun Facts are Fun: Boris Karloff is The Grinch. Chuck Jones of Looney Tunes fame directed. Theodor Geisel wrote the lyrics to "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch."

The Verdict: You're insane if you don't watch this at least one during the holiday season. AND STOP SHOPPING SO MUCH. CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT MATERIAL THINGS.

Next week I'll be doing the granddaddy of all Christmas specials. I'll give you a hint—it involves the saddest looking Christmas tree ever.

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here.

Star Wars: Episode 1–The Phantom Menace

I remember back in 1999 when we all were looking forward to this. Maybe our expectations were too high? Maybe we should have been concerned that no one was challenging George Lucas's vision and direction?

Now, I know people have very strong opinions on this movie. Having rewatched it for the first time in years, I can say that it's not as bad as I remember. That's not to say though that it doesn't have its faults. I mean, Mr. Lucas, what the fuck is happening with all the crazy racism? Who gives a damn about galactic politics?! What is up with the dialogue? WHY DOES JAR-JAR EXIST?????? MIDICHLORIANS?!

On the other hand, I am happy to report that the costumes and set design are still gorgeous. Also, Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson are still extremely good-looking Jedi.

Plot in a Nutshell: The peaceful planet is Naboo is under a blockade from the Trade Federation…fuck it, I'm not even going to try. This is complicated and BORING bullshit. Just know that Anakin Skywalker was a slave and the Jedi are fucking morons for not seeing the Sith right in front of them. Literally.

WTF: What's with all the blatant racism, Mr. Lucas? Padme was such a badass in this movie. She's a fourteen year old queen who's facing a grave situation and handles with grace and blaster. Where did this girl go? By the time Revenge of the Sith happens, she's barefoot and pregnant. Come on.

Fun Facts are Fun: Seriously, a lot of people are in this movie—Keira Knightley, Richard Armitage, Greg Proops, BRIAN BLESSED, Warwick Davis, Celia Imrie, Dominic West, Lindsay Duncan, Sofia Coppola, Peter Serafinowicz, Sally Hawkins, and Nathan Hamill.

The Verdict: It's long and boring. At least the costumes and Ewan McGregor are pretty?

I'm going on vacation, so there won't be a post next week. I know, you're all disappointed and dying inside.

I promise I'll never swear again. I'll never get another technical. I'll never trash talk...I won't go out with Madonna again.

Space Jam

I'm sure you're all so disappointed that I'm not reviewing Phantom Menace this week. So. Disappointed.

However, the opportunity came up for me and a friend to see Space Jam in the theater for the 20^th anniversary. Holy crap, it's been 20 years since Space Jam?! I feel so old. I don't feel as old and dated as the movie is though. Woof, it's definitely a 90s movie---from the effects to who's in it to the music.

That's not to say that I regret seeing it again. I don't. It's a weird relic of the mid-90s that will be seen by future generations as a genuinely weird movie of its time.

Plot in a Nutshell: Michael Jordan, GOAT of basketball, decides to leave the sport he's really good at for…baseball. Yikes, not a good choice dude. Meanwhile, in a galaxy far far away, an alien theme park is losing money, so the greedy owner comes up with the BEST PLAN EVER---kidnap the Looney Tunes and make them perform in the theme park forever. Hey aliens, it's not going to that easy. Thanks to some quick thinking by Bugs Bunny, they challenge the aliens, who are short, to a basketball game. What Bugs and his buds don't count on is that the aliens are crafty and steal the talents of five NBA stars, including Charles Barkley, to make themselves better. Oh no, you guise! That's when they rope in Michael Jordan to play with them in the Big Game. Somehow, Bill Murray also shows up and plays in the game too. The good guys win, the little aliens give the NBA players back their talent, and everyone lives happily ever after.

WTF: Did Bill Murray need the money? Why is he even in this movie? Why aren't people freaking out that there are aliens on Earth? Or better yet, that the Looney Tunes are real?

Fun Facts are Fun: The movie's website still exists. Go find it. (Thanks to my amazing coworker for that bit of 90s goodness.)

The Verdict: Eh, just watch it again. You'll see just how weird it is.

Okay, I promise I'll do Phantom Menace next week. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Why don't you try scrap booking them too freedom?

Trolls

I am so sorry to break up the schedule again. Then again, it's my blog and I do what I want. I went to see Trolls today with a friend and her niece. I was more looking forward to spending time with one of my favorite kids than seeing the movie to be honest.

However, I was pleasantly surprised by that glitter bomb of a movie. It was funny. It had a ton of heart. It…had John Cleese in it you guys!!! JOHN CLEESE. It also had a lot of fun songs too.

Plot in a Nutshell: Trolls are HAPPY ALL THE TIME, except Branch because he's a troll prepper. They previously escaped captivity from the Bergens, who believed they could only be happy by eating trolls. After Princess Poppy throws an ill-advised party and a disgraced Bergen chef kidnaps her friends, she and Branch go to get them back. Bridget, a Bergen scullery maid who loves the Bergen king, helps Poppy, Branch and company escape in exchange for a makeover. After one of Poppy's friends betrays them to the chef, Poppy is despondent, but zomg you guise Branch sings and makes it all better. Bridget lets her new friends escape, but Poppy and co go back for her and eventually show the Bergens that they can be happy without ingesting trolls. THE END.

WTF: Why the fuck would anyone eat a goddamn troll, especially one with filled with glitter?

Fun Facts are Fun: Trolls is DreamWorks Animation's first musical film since The Prince of Egypt. In 1998.

The Verdict: Go see it.

I solemnly swear that I'm going to stick to my schedule for next week. Prepare yourselves, Star Wars fans…I'm doing Phantom Menace.

You're holding my hand, Chuck, you sly dog.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Okay so maybe I was running late…and thought that maybe I should do A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, which is considerably shorter than doing The Pagemaster. I'll go to it eventually I promise.

Remember what I said about It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown being a seminal classic? Unfortunately, that's not A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, which isn't to say that it's bad. It's still heartwarming, except when Peppermint Patty is a massive dick, and funny in its own way. It's just missing something that It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown had. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know it's missing…whatever "it" is.

And remember kids, it's about being thankful and spending time with friends and family, not having a full Thanksgiving dinner prepared by children, a dog, and a bird at the last minute.

Plot in a Nutshell: Oh my gawd you guys it's Thanksgiving! Charlie Brown and Sally are excited to go to their grandma's for dinner, but then that child with no filter that everyone secretly hates Peppermint Patty invites herself, Marcie, and Franklin over to Charlie Brown's for dinner. Charlie Brown is in a bind! Linus suggests that they make something for the uninvited guests and then go his grandma's later. Chef Snoopy, Linus, and Charlie Brown make toast, jelly beans, pretzel sticks, and popcorn for dinner. After Peppermint Patty is a total ungrateful ho to Charlie Brown, Marcie tells her she's being unreasonable. Peppermint Patty apologizes to Charlie Brown, while being uncomfortably flirtatious, and his grandma decides to have everyone over for Thanksgiving! Awww she's the best. Snoppy and Woodstock have their own gigantic turkey for dinner.

WTF: Why the fuck did Peppermint Patty, Marcie, and Franklin's families leave them alone on Thanksgiving? Who does that?!??! Why hasn't an adult told Peppermint Patty that her behavior is completely unacceptable? Charlie Brown's grandma was very nice to have all the children over for dinner, but does she have enough food? Is Snoopy's doghouse a TARDIS? I swear it's bigger on the inside. One last thing---OMG WOODSTOCK IS EATING TURKEY. ISN'T THAT CANNIBALISM?!

Fun Facts are Fun: Peppermint Patty and Marcie are voiced by male actors.

The Verdict: It's worth a watch around Thanksgiving.

Next week it's time for a Disney classic starring Native Americans and Christian Bale. It's Pocahontas time!

Why don't we talk about how illegal it is to drive without eyeballs?

Halloweentown

Debbie Reynolds is a delight. She really is. It's no wonder that with a mom like that, Carrie Fisher is amazing. Erm, now that I've gotten that out of the way, Halloweentown is a Disney Channel Original Movie that premiered in 1998. I remember liking this movie, and it being on Disney Channel with Hocus Pocus seemingly on a loop through October.

Good lord, this is corny. The effects aren't great (even for the late 90s), but the makeup is actually pretty good. So many great-looking monsters. However, the script is just…yeah, definitely for kids and not in a good way. I honestly have no idea how this got three sequels.

Plot in a Nutshell: Annoying teenager Marnie Piper watches as other kids trick-or-treat and complains that her evil ginger mother doesn't let her do anything. Never fear though, Marnie, because grandma Aggie is here! Aggie and Gwen, Marnie's widowed mother, don't have the best relationship. Marnie, little nerd brother Dylan, and precocious Sophie board the bus to Halloweentown to follow their grandma. The monsters and witches in Halloweentown are disappearing, and Aggie is trying to find out why. Mayor Kalabar attempts to dissuade Aggie from investigating further. Turns out Kalabar used to date Gwen, and as we find out later, he's still pressed that she left him for a human. Ugh men. After going on a shopping trip to activate the talisman, they find out Kalabar is the evil guy terrorizing the town. Surprise surprise. He wants to conquer the mortal realm, because he was a small wiener and still can't believe Gwen left him for a human. The talisman is activated in the giant pumpkin, the Cromwell/Piper magical people use their powers together, and defeat Kalabar.

WTF: Seriously Gwen, there's dangerous life-threatening stuff in the "normal" world too and frankly, Halloweentown seems safer. Just sayin.

Fun Facts are Fun: Debbie Reynolds is Carrie Fisher's mom. Halloweentown was Kimberly J. Brown's first Disney Channel Original Movie. Judith Hoag (Gwen) was the original April O'Neil in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Emily Roeske (Sophie) retired from acting after Halloweentown High.

The Verdict: At least Debbie Reynolds is great?

Next week, I'll be delving into The Pagemaster, where literature comes to life. In a library. Where that always happens.

I'm sorry, Emily. I had to wait three hundred years for a virgin to light a candle.

Hocus Pocus

I've been looking forward to reviewing this movie for a while now. Like that awful Power Rangers movie, I have a lot of fond memories of Hocus Pocus. I still kind of want to find two people willing to be the Sanderson sisters with me for Halloween.

Unlike Power Rangers, Hocus Pocus is still just as fun and amazing as it was when it came out in 1993. Thora Birch is so good. Sarah Jessica Parker is at her best. I let out a sigh when I saw Garry Marshall (rest in peace, good sir). It's so quotable. It's so classic. Ugh, can I marry this movie?

I mean, hell, I sort of wished I had a big brother like Thackery Binx. Keywords are "sort of." Being an only child does have its perks.

Plot in a Nutshell: In 1693 Salem, teenage Puritan hottie Thackery Binx fails to save his younger sister Emily from having her life force sucked out of her by the deliciously evil Sanderson sister. Before they're caught by the town, they curse Thackery Binx into becoming an immortal black cat. Flash forward 300 years later, where annoyed, less hot teenager Max Dennison has to take his sister Dani trick-or-treating in their new hometown---Salem. In order to impress his new crush Allison, Max, Dani, and Allison go to the Sanderson sisters' house/museum. Like an idiot, he lights the Black Flame Candle, giving the sisters life again. However, all is not lost! Immortal black cat Thackery Binx is on the case. Hijinks ensue. In the final showdown, Max sacrifices himself for Dani, getting some of his life force sucked out of him. But the sun rises in time, destroying the sisters once and for all! Thackery Binx is finally free to join his family in the afterlife.

WTF: I realize that in 1693 people weren't too smart, but seriously, the townspeople of Salem couldn't figure out that random children were missing and hmmmmm it might be these weird crazy sisters doing it? Dani and Max's parents are legitimately so dumb. Now that Billy Butcherson was resurrected by Winifred, is going to just sleep in grave and wake up every so often? Poor dude. Why did the adults let those two dummies terrorize trick-or-treaters?

Fun Facts are Fun: Sean Murray, who played Thackery Binx, is on NCIS. Oddly enough, Sean Murray wasn't the voice of Binx the cat. Jason Marsden was. "I Put a Spell on You" was arranged and produced by Marc Shaiman, the Grammy, Emmy, and Tony Award-winning composer and lyricist.

The Verdict: HELL YES.

Next week, it's time to go to Halloweentown.

Forgive me, Mr. Claus. I'm afraid I've made a terrible mess of your holiday.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Once upon a time, I was in high school (for the record, I had my ten year reunion last year). Everything was pretty normal…then something changed. I saw a Jack Skellington messenger bag, presumably from Hot Topic. Suddenly, Nightmare Before Christmas became super cool. All the emo kids loved Sally and Jack. Personally, I didn't get it. I guess I wasn't cool enough.

I do remember seeing this movie a lot on HBO as a kid. Watching now, a decade removed from high school when it became popular again, it's a good movie. It's creative, funny, and touching, unlike anything Tim Burton has done lately. Yeah I said it. Tim Burton has become a parody of himself.

I also didn't realize how amazing the music is…kudos to you, Danny Elfman.

Plot in a Nutshell: Pumpkin King Jack Skellington is having a mid-death crisis. After the latest Halloween extravaganza, he gets super depressed. He and his ghost dog Zero wander far and eventually end up in Christmas Town, where Jack has an epiphany—the creatures of Halloween Town should celebrate Christmas! Meanwhile, Sally, who was created by a mad scientist, longs to be her own being. Sally is the only one convinced that Halloween Town shouldn't be celebrating Christmas. Oogie Boogie's treat-or-treater minions capture "Sandy Claws". After a disastrous Christmas, in which Jack attempts to take Santa's place and is shot down by the military, Jack and his allies rescue Santa from Oogie and all is right in the world once again.

WTF: I realize that the point of him is supposed to be a creepy mad scientist, but Doctor Finklestein really creeps me out more than anyone else. That poor Easter Bunny. Is the point not to rebel against your true nature (Halloween Town creatures must only celebrate Halloween and Christmas Town creatures only celebrating Christmas, et cetera)? Oogie loves black light. How very early 90s. Those poor kids getting victimized by their "Halloween" Christmas presents.

Fun Facts are Fun: Sir Patrick Stewart is the narrator for the prologue and epilogue. What?!?!? Gotta love Sir PatStew. Danny Elfman is Jack's signing voice. Whose Line alum Greg Proops voices various characters.

The Verdict: Definitely worth a rewatch.

Next week I'll be watching possibly my favorite Halloween movie—Hocus Pocus. Amuck amuck amuck amuck!!!!

I Got a Rock

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

When I first conceived this blog, I first wanted to only to do 90s movies and then branch out to other decades. However, the more I thought about it, it makes more sense to do Halloween movies in October. So, instead of Now and Then, I'm doing the ultimate classic Halloween cartoon---It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

And what a classic it is. There's just something about it so relatable and makes it hold up for fifty years. Yes, ladies and gents, this is the fiftieth anniversary of It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Written by Charles Schultz and directed by Bill Melendez, it's full of humor and heart, especially when the usually mean-spirited Lucy goes to collect her little brother Linus from the pumpkin patch and puts him to bed.

Oh and Vince Guaraldi's music is fucking flawless, and anyone who tells you it isn't is a big fat liar with no soul.

Plot in a Nutshell: It's Halloween, y'all! Linus is going to wait for the Great Pumpkin, whom he insists doesn't get nearly as much publicity as Santa. Naïve and love-struck Sally decides to forego trick or treating to wait with Linus. Charlie Brown finally gets invited a Halloween party, but he ends up getting a pumpkin face drawn on the back of his head. Snoopy is a World War One flying ace. Ultimately, the Great Pumpkin doesn't up, Sally lets Linus have it, and life goes on.

WTF: Why does Linus take a bite into the apple he picked up from off of the ground and then throw it away after one bite? That's so wasteful, dude. Why did Linus and Lucy take that pumpkin without paying for it? Why the fuck are those mean adults giving Charlie Brown rocks instead of candy? Who waits in a pumpkin patch on Halloween?

Fun Facts are Fun: Schroeder actually does play World War One-era songs on his piano while Snoopy reacts. They are "It's a Long Way to Tipperary", "Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag", "There's a Long, Long Trail", and "Roses of Picardy."

The Verdict: Sit your ass down right now and watch it. DO IT NOW.

For our next Halloween movie, it's Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas or How I Stopped Worrying and Wondered Why It Became Popular in High School.

If I kill my nephew, would it be murder or charity?

Rock-a-Doodle

Why did I choose this Don Bluth movie to be the first one discussed on the blog? Surely I could have done Anastasia, one of my favorites, instead? Well, I think I wanted to start with one that doesn't quite work. The story, unlike Anastasia and The Secret of NIMH, is quite confusing. The live-action portions with Edmund and his family are useless, and the final live-action/animated sequence looks generally awful. Bedknobs and Broomsticks's mixed sequences look a thousand times better…and that was made in 1971. The songs are pretty mediocre, and they don't even come close to the brilliance of Beauty and the Beast, which was released the same year.

In fact, when comparing this to Beauty and the Beast at all, you really shouldn't. One is a masterpiece and the other…not so much.

Plot in a Nutshell: Okay I think I got it. The rooster Chanticleer is left despondent once he realizes his crow doesn't actually make the sun rise every morning, and the other animals make him leave. Big mistake. Now it won't stop raining and the owls, led by the scenery-munching Christopher Plummer (yes, Captain von Trapp is the villain) as the Grand Duke conspire to eat all the animals. Meanwhile, in real life, Edmund's family farm is dealing with Biblical amounts of flooding on their farm. The Grand Duke barfs magic onto Edmund, turning him into a cat. There's a subplot with a sexy bird and an evil manager but whatever. In the end, Chanticleer crows, the sun comes back, Edmund is turned back into a real boy, and the Grand Duke and his singing owls are defeated forever.

WTF: Why didn't Edmund's family evacuate the animals sooner? Didn't they know the flooding was coming? Don't they watch The Weather Channel?

Fun Facts are Fun: Phil Harris, who voiced the basset hound Patou, also was the voice of Baloo in The Jungle Book and Little John in Robin Hood. This was also Phil Harris's last role. Tony Award-winner Christian Hoff portrayed one of Edmund's older brothers. Connecticut's own Charles Nelson Reilly was the voice of Hunch, the Grand Duke's stupid nephew.

The Verdict: Meh. At least Christopher Plummer seemed to be enjoying himself as the Grand Duke.

Next week it's time for everyone's favorite young girls' coming of age movie---Now and Then.

I had a squirrel named Numb Nuts.

Man of the House

Unpopular opinion alert---I didn't have a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas in the 90s. I know I know it's sacrilege. However, I did like this movie as a kid and always watched it if I found it on TV.

Watching it again though, oh good lawd have mercy it's so bad. Jonathan Taylor Thomas's Ben is the worst. Literally the worst. How many chances at happiness has he sabotaged for his poor mother? Why didn't his mom put him into therapy after his dad left? It's clearly affected him for years and emotionally scarred him. The mobsters are stereotypical Italian thugs in…wait a second, in Seattle? Seattle had a lot of illegal activity during Prohibition (thanks PBS), but is the Italian mob huge there?

The biggest thing that bothers me about this movie is the cultural appropriation. According to the Oxford Reference, it defines cultural appropriation as being "used to describe the taking over of creative or artistic forms, themes, or practices by one cultural group from another. It is in general used to describe Western appropriations of non‐Western or non‐white forms, and carries connotations of exploitation and dominance." I understand that there was a Native American who helped them do a rain dance, but the whole thing is just uncomfortable. Was there a copyright issue that they couldn't use the Boy Scouts? Native American cultures aren't "lame" and aren't to be used by emotionally stunted white mommy's boys to get rid of mommy's boyfriends. Ugh.

Plot in a Nutshell: Ben and his mom live in the coolest loft ever and have a perfect life. That is until his mom wants to actually move on with her life and find love. Selfish Ben can't have that and tries to get rid of his mom's latest boyfriend Jack by joining the most uncool group ever---Indian Guides. While all this is going on, the mob is trying to kill Jack. Hijinks ensue at an annual camping trip, they Home Alone their campsite, the mobsters get arrested, and everyone lives happily ever after.

WTF: Why are Farrah Fawcett and Chevy Chase in this movie? They couldn't have needed the money, could they?

Fun Facts are Fun: This steaming pile of crap grossed over $40 million dollars domestically.

The Verdict: *bashes head against the wall*

Join me next for the blog's first Don Bluth feature---Rock-a-Doodle.

George C. Scott Sings Creepy Songs

The Rescuers Down Under

  

The Rescuers Down Under is the sequel to the 1977 Disney classic The Rescuers. I remember enjoying this movie quite a bit as a kid, often pretending that Cody and I would go off on adventures in the Outback (no, not to the steakhouse but the actual for real Outback). At around 77 minutes, it's a breezy little sequel with heart and laughs.

Unlike the previous two movies, which continue to make to me question my taste as a child, this one actually holds up for the most part. John Candy (RIP) was delightful as Wilbur, as were the dual performances of Bob Newhart and Eva Gabor. The only thing was a little cheesy was George C. Scott (yes, that George C. Scott aka General Patton) as McLeach. Just a little OTT, dude. Just a tiny bit. His creepy takes on old-timey songs were a little too disturbing for a children's movie.

On a purely materialistic note, I really want a hammock. I just don't want to sleep in it like Cody does.

Plot in a Nutshell: Cody, a boy with an indescribable accent living in the Australian Outback with his widowed mother, is summoned by a kangaroo playing a fallen tree as a digeridoo to help a trapped golden eagle named Marahute. After the two bond over her eggs, Cody is captured by a super evil poacher and his pet goanna Joanna. Bernard and Bianca travel to Australia to save him, with Wilbur in the albatross in tow. Super horny kangaroo mouse Jake acts as Bernard and Bianca's guide. Bernard ends up killing McLeach, and everyone lives happily ever after.

WTF: What the hell is Cody's accent? It starts out as really Australian and then goes to a semi-American accent. Surely the Rangers would've been keeping an eye on McLeach, a known poacher who loves to boast about how awesome a poacher he is, and therefore would have located Cody more quickly? Why the fuck is Cody wandering around the goddamn Outback by himself? Australia has more shit that will kill you, bro. Just stay close to home next time.

Fun Facts are Fun: Adam Ryen, who voiced Cody, is Norwegian. Ah, that explains the accent.

The Verdict: Finally a good one.

Next week, I'll be reviewing Man of the House, starring 90s heartthrob Jonathan Taylor-Thomas and Chevy Chase. Get ready for lots of uncomfortable cultural appropriation, folks. Yeesh.

Let's see, Goobers or Raisinets...Goobers or Raisinets

Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation

I don't have the emotional connection to this movie like I did with Power Rangers. However, I do remember being very fond of this movie and nearly wearing out the VHS tape (goodness I'm old). I wore out only two VHS tapes—Cinderella and Apollo 13. I'm not sure what that says about me. Geeky princess? Lonely girl who speaks to animals? Eh, I think it's more of the first one.

Like Power Rangers though, this one wasn't nearly as good as I remember. How I Spent My Vacation came out in 1992 and really doesn't age well. Maybe it's all the weird references to David Letterman, Arsenio Hall, Cher, and Roseanne. Maybe it's because the animation isn't the best either. Or maybe…it's just not good. IMDB says it's 79 minutes long, and it felt like at least 2 hours.

That's not to say that I outright hate it or that my heart was shattered (I'm looking at you, Power Rangers). The whole sequence with Fowlmouth and Shirley at the movies is still humorous.

Yeah, that's it.

Plot in a Nutshell: School is out for the summer. Buster and Babs start an insane water gun fight and end up in Deliverance with possums, gators, and toads. Plucky and Hampton go on the road trip from hell to Happy World Land aka Fake Disney Land with Hampton's family. Shirley is repeatedly harassed by Fowlmouth. Elmyra continues her quest for a kitty, being horrifically abusive to all animals along the way. Fifi stalks her favorite skunk movie star.

WTF: The inclusion of Woody Allen in the celebrities at the movies montage is creepy as hell. Do Plucky's parents know that he went on a seemingly months-long trip with Hampton's family? Who the hell picks up a serial killer hitchhiker?

Fun Facts are Fun: Cree Summer, who voices Elmyra, is also the voice of Susie Carmichael from Rugrats and Penny from Inspector Gadget.

The Verdict: I really hope this trend of not being as good as I remember continues. Oof.

Join me next week for The Rescuers Down Under. It has to hold up better than the last two movies, right? Right? RIGHT?

Morphological Beings and Dinosaur Fossils

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie

  

I was so excited for this one. You have no idea. I hadn't seen Power Rangers in years (at least ten, maybe fifteen), and I was super hyped to see one of my favorite childhood movies.

Then my boyfriend and I watched it, and Power Rangers is…really bad. Honestly, it's not just really bad. It's more like super-duper crazy awful. The effects, even for the time, are badly done. The dialogue is horrific ("You ooze, you lose" oy vey). This broke my heart a little. I loved this movie. I wanted to be the Pink Ranger (who didn't?!). I wanted to date Tommy. I wanted to be part of the team even though I had no karate or gymnastics skills and could barely walk without tripping over my own feet.

I wanted this movie to hold up. I really did. Unfortunately, it holds up as well as a mayo-based salad left outside on a hot summer day.

Plot in a Nutshell: Some bananas at a construction site in Angel Grove accidentally uncover "Morphological Being" Ivan Ooze. Before the Rangers can hide his purple egg prison, Rita and Zedd show up and free him. Ooze tries to take over the world and nearly destroys the command center. Alpha sends the Rangers to a planet reminiscent of the world Luke Skywalker was on at the end of The Force Awakens. Dulcea, an awesome lady with a cool stick, gives them animal ninja powers, and they defeat dinosaur fossils to get the power of the universe to defeat Ooze, save the world, and bring Zordon back to life. Oh, and there's a kid who rallies the other kids to save their parents from jumping to their deaths. And Bulk and Skull are there too.

WTF: Who lets high school students jump out of a plane for a fundraiser? Why is the comet named Ryan's Comet? Is that Zedd's brain pulsating? Who takes free ooze from a creepy-looking wizard guy who just appears out of nowhere? What sort of magic makes dinosaur fossils come to life? Why, oh why, can no one figure out that these six are the Power Rangers? THEY ARE COLOR COORDINATED, PEOPLE.

Fun Facts are Fun: Paul Freeman, who played Ivan Ooze, also played René Belloq in Raiders of the Lost Art.

The Verdict: Oh good lawd have mercy, this was awful. My childhood is ruined.

Join me next week for Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation. Feel free to comment---I'll take the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Confessions of a Grown-up 90s Kid

I'm a product of the 90s. This means I dreamed of being the Pink Ranger, ate Lunchables, and eagerly awaited (and was bored by) The Phantom Menace. Now that I'm an adult (allegedly), I've decided that I want to reflect on all those things I loved as a kid, particularly movies.

I love movies. I love going to the movies, watching movies, listening to podcasts about movies (hello there, How Did This Get Made), and now, getting Starbucks at the movies. Are the movies I enjoyed as a kid still "good"? Are they really steaming piles of cat poo? Just how uncomfortable are these movies to watch as a grown-up 90s kid? We'll find out the answers to these questions and much more.

I think the first movie has to be one that was released on my ninth birthday---Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie. I lived for the Power Rangers. When I learned about the movie, I wanted to see it the day it came out. And because of a little thing called a "birthday party", I didn't actually see it on my birthday. Thanks mom and dad. You guys are the worst...erm, best.

Check this space next week for my foray into Power Rangers: The Movie. Be there or be square. Please don't be in your underwear because that's weird.